Yesterday, I found myself in a weird, dreamlike state. Everything seemed as clear as mud. The sense of clarity or certainty seemingly nowhere on the horizon. What do I do when clarity and certainty are lacking?
And, when is life going to get back to normal?
What day is it even? Am I still alive? (Pokes self gently to make sure I can still feel).
Look, I know my life is pretty cushy. I have a nice place to live, there is food on the table. I still have a job and my family is safe. So hear me when I say I do NOT in any way feel like these problems of uncertainty and fogginess are something to feel sorry about and quite frankly, they pale in comparison to what some people are dealing with these days.
But we all have things that we need to cope with. The things we need to cope with might not be the biggest problems in the world, but we still need to do the thought work and mindset work to square those things away in our heads. This post is about that. It’s about acknowledging that things can always be worse, but even when your problems are small, they are still problems to you and we all need to find ways to deal with what is sitting directly in front of us, right now.
What do you do when you are faced with uncertainty?
How does a lack of clarity affect you?
Some people get anxiety. They worry about what will happen if something else happens. The chain of what-ifs cascade down like a powerful waterfall.
Some people spin their wheels and go into tornado mode. You know the stories about people that get caught in an avalanche and are buried underneath feet of snow? It’s like that – they can’t figure out which direction is up, but it’s also like a chicken running around with its head cut off. Busyness helps them avoid the feelings that uncertainty brings.
Some people freeze. The noise of the uncertainty is so loud that they’re not able to hear the peaceful voice of their inner wisdom that is telling them to just breathe. Depression may set in.
And then, there are some people who do breathe. They lean into the uncertainty and embrace the one moment they know for sure they have. The NOW. And because they are in the NOW, they don’t need to be anxious, go into tornado mode or freeze. Being in the NOW keeps them so energetically focused, that they are able to feel the uncertainty, but know that it doesn’t matter because, after all, even before this pandemic, life is always uncertain.
Everything is uncertain. Everything is impermanent.
But most of us forget this. Or, maybe we haven’t really ever learned it.
In our heads, we have an illusion of control because we cling to the way things are. We forget that everything is impermanent – the good and the bad. That bears repeating…
We forget that everything is impermanent. The good and the bad.
Because of this, clinging to the ways that we are comfortable with ultimately creates suffering. We get so comfortable when things are the way we like them, and, when they change (which they are inevitably bound to do), we are upset. We feel as if we have lost control.
I want to invite you to take this time to work on this concept of impermanence. For many of us, during this pandemic, our uncertainty involves things like when am I going to be able to get a haircut again? When will I be able to go to a movie? When will I be able to get back to my normal routine? When will my kids go back to school?
I want to acknowledge that I know there are people who have lost their jobs, lost loved ones and had other major life changes happen during this time, so I truly do not want to diminish those things. The concept of impermanence applies to everything, but if this is you, I am in no way telling you to “get over it”, or “just pull yourself up by your bootstraps”. Please know that.
I just want to offer this perspective as something that can help us sit with the uncertainty. An invitation to use this bizarre time in our history for something greater – to build the muscles of mindfulness and presence in the NOW.
This I know for sure: this moment, as it is right now, is the only one I know with 100% certainty that I have. Additionally, regarding the moment 24 hours from now, I cannot say with 100% certainty what that moment will bring.
So why is this so hard for us to deal with?
I think it really comes down to a sense of control. We are so used to being able to control everything, and when we lose that control over things, fear sets in.
I’m going to offer some ways that you can practice sitting with the uncertainty that you’re experiencing right now. Some are easy, and some are not so easy (meaning they will require practice!).
Meditate
Yes, I’m saying the M word… meditate.
I know meditating is hard for a lot of us that like to be busy. But hear me out. When you are feeling resistance to something like meditating, have you considered that maybe it is exactly the thing you need to do?
The purpose of meditating is not to reach a zen like state or even enlightenment. The purpose is for you to quiet your mind. Sit with your thoughts (because believe me, you’re gonna have ‘em… lots of ‘em) and observe them. Practice letting them sit there without judging or attaching to them. Trust me, you are absolutely going to go down the rabbit hole with one (or more) of your thoughts. When you do, you notice, and gently say “no thank you, rabbit hole. I am fine up here watching my thoughts float by like clouds on a warm summer day.”
This takes practice, but once you get over the resistance to sitting without doing, it is heavenly.
I like to light incense and a candle. I focus on my breath and try to feel where it is going in my body. The incense helps me focus. When I reach the top of my inhale, I can feel where the scent of the incense lands and it helps me turn further inward. I am not always able to calm my mind this much, but when I do, it is heavenly.
So really, keep trying meditation. Start with 5 minutes, or even 2 minutes, and work your way up.
Feel the Uncertainty in Your Body
Take the time to stop and notice your feelings. If you’re feeling worried or anxious about the uncertainty in your life, turn inward and make a somatic experience out of it.
How does your body feel? Do a scan. Does it feel tight? Where does it feel tight? What descriptive words can you use to describe the sensations you feel in your body? This is fun, I promise.
Remember: Nothing is Permanent Not Even the Good Stuff
It seems sort of glass-is-half-empty to say this, but it’s not. It’s just neutral. It means that the bad stuff that happens in your life will not stick around forever, and the good stuff won’t either. But it doesn’t mean that more good stuff (or bad stuff) won’t come along. It really just means that you need to hold each moment gently and go with the flow of it, knowing that you are like a ship on a stormy sea. If you just flow with the waves and stay solid in your inner knowing, you will be fine because the storm eventually passes. Don’t get attached to the conditions.
The storms will come again, and they always pass.
Read a Book About Non-Attachment or Impermanence
Read anything, yes, anything, by Pema Chodron. Comfortable with Uncertainty is a good one, as well as The Places That Scare You. Another one, which is one of my favorites, and was really my introduction into the concept that my brain could think thoughts but I didn’t have attach to them (thus, not letting them dictate my behaviors and emotions), is The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer.
I’m a book nerd and you can find some of my other favorites HERE.
Journal
Ok, if you’re someone who hates journaling, start by asking yourself why. Why are you resistant to it? Fine if you really don’t want to journal, but I encourage you to at least contemplate it. It’s not for everyone, but it helps many people to sort out their thoughts.
I have a list of free journal prompts on my web site if you haven’t grabbed them yet. You can download them HERE.
Make a Can-Control and Can’t Control List
If you’ve been following me for a while, you know I am a huge fan of brain dumps. I do this with my 10-year old daughter often. She tends to worry a lot, and this helps her as well.
Simply pull out a note pad or you can even do this on your computer… take a few minutes to brain dump everything that is worrying you onto your sheet of paper. Now, you can go through each one and decide if it’s something you can control or not. I advise putting them into two columns – Can Control and Can’t Control – on a separate sheet of paper… that way you can carry it with you as a reminder!
Once you’ve done that, you can go through the “Can Control” items and make a more detailed plan for how you’re going to handle it if it’s something that requires action. For the “Can’t Control” items, now you have a list of things to do mindset work on! How can you let go of control over these things? Why are you feeling the need to control them?
By the way, as a coach, I am skilled in helping people figure these things out. I even offer free 20-minute virtual coffee chats to walk you through things like this! You can schedule a chat HERE.
(By the way, this is just a chat – no obligations, sales pitches or hidden agendas. I do them because I love connecting with other people… especially right now when I am going stir crazy cooped up in the house!)
Self Care
Do NOT feel guilty about taking time to care for yourself! Practicing self-care is SO important!
If you need to, write a permission slip to yourself and keep it on your desk, computer, or even your phone. Somewhere you’re going to see it often. I have one on my computer screen that says: “I, Kortney, hereby give myself permission to practice SELF CARE daily for at least 20 minutes.”
Do you think you can try some of these things to help you with uncertainty?
I would really love to hear if any of them were helpful for you. I am always striving to write material that is helpful for me readers, so if there is anything you’d like to read about, please drop me a line!
