In this article, part 1 of a 3 part series, you’ll learn why it’s better to be REAL, not perfect. You’ll 7 ways to cultivate authenticity so you can create and live a life you’re excited about.
“You were born to be real, not perfect. You are here to be you, not to live someone else’s life.” – Ralph Marston
I got this wrong for a lot of my life.
Somewhere along the way, I made the unconscious decision that I was supposed to figure out who I should be to belong and be accepted in the world and be that, rather than getting walking through life as the person I came here to be.
This looked like perfectionism, overachieving, and seeking approval.
It looked like self-worth that was dependent on the opinions of others, not my own.
It looked like a lot of different things, none of which were truly me.
I was a shapeshifter. I was a master at showing up in a group of people, surveying the vibe, and based on that, adjusting my personality to match. The problem was that by trying to fit in with everyone, I was actually fitting in with no one.
This came at a great cost. I forgot who I was. Totally.
What I found was that you can only fake it for so long, because after a while, being a chameleon catches up with you in one way or another.
For me, it caught up with me a few times in my life without me noticing what was really happening. But the so-called whispers of the Universe that were trying to tell me that this wasn’t working eventually turned into a big whack across the forehead with a two-by-four.
After having been married for seventeen years, I discovered my husband was cheating on me with another man.
This was the most difficult time in my entire life. The circumstances crushed me and I had to rebuild my life from the ground up in many ways. I had to figure out what was next for me and how to create that life, but I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
I am still on that journey–I think it’s a lifelong journey for all of us, but it’s an important one. We can’t live a life of integrity unless we know who we are. Even though we are always discovering new things about ourselves, having a solid foundation to build on is important in learning to hear and trust your intuition and make decisions that align with who you are, thus shaping your life so you are always in integrity with who you really are.
In my work, I talk a lot about creating a life you love. So many people settle for a life that’s “fine” or “meh”. They are happy enough, but something always feels like it’s missing. But life isn’t meant to be that way. Life is meant for you to live it to the fullest–as the person you were sent here to be.
Why do so many people settle for a life that’s just “fine”? Why do so many people choose not to live their best lives?
I think it’s because they don’t believe they are capable of creating an epic life that lights them up. They don’t believe that they have the ability to be unstoppable.
The belief that you can be unstoppable in creating a life you love starts with being who you really are. It starts with telling the truth about who you are, what you want, and what you believe in. You will always be held back by your mind if you don’t love the person you really are. Loving yourself and believing in yourself are totally connected.
Let’s start with the definition of authenticity.
There are several definitions of authentic, but the one that resonates most for me in this context is,
Authentic: true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character.
Personally, I connect more deeply to the way Brene Brown describes authenticity:
Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.
Embracing who we are. To me, that involves a lot of letting go and surrendering, potentially gratitude and appreciation for all of the parts of you, even the ones that you have a hard time loving.
I think most of us have struggled with living authentically in one way or another. It isn’t always easy, but why is that?
For me, and I think for a lot of people, the root of it lies in wanting to fit in. To belong, to connect. We are conditioned to fit in. In fact, we are wired to fit in. We’re also taught that we need to stand out, which is totally contradictory, but that’s a discussion for a totally different article!
Over time, we’ve created a “false self”, or adaptive self that helps us fit in, depending on the situation. The self we’ve created is based on years of conditioning–belief systems that were handed down to us, expectations of others, failures, successes, plus comments and criticisms that have made us not want to touch that “hot stove” again, to name a few.
So, over time, we become who we think we should be to belong.
But by being someone else, you aren’t living your life. You’re not living an unstoppable life, so of course, something will always feel like it’s missing?
But you can change that. You can create your unstoppable, epic life and it all starts with cultivating authenticity in yourself. Here are some ways you can do that:
Spend time with yourself.
I’ve been watching Oprah’s The Life You Want series lately. The topic for this month was being present and intentional.
I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t take much for me to get pulled out of the present moment and start worrying or “future-tripping”. We get so busy being the person we think we should be. But when we leave the present moment, we’re focused on what’s outside of us and we lose touch with who we really are and what’s true for us.
You can connect with who you are at a soul level by intentionally spending time doing things like meditating, journaling, being in nature, and spending time with your thoughts.
Giving yourself this “soul time” brings so much awareness to who you’re being and helps you reconnect with who you really are.
Learn to trust your intuition
Your intuition is your magic!
We all have intuition. For a long time, I didn’t think I had the gift of intuition, but the truth is, I had learned to cover it up by getting in my head and overthinking everything. I was using my brain to figure out who I thought I needed to be, rather than trusting myself that showing up in my authenticity was enough.
Intuition is coming back to your heart, soul, or “gut” and tuning in to what’s true for you in each moment. We all sense our intuition differently. Some get a visual. Others might recognize patterns or feel an overall vibration. Some people just “know” from a feeling in their body or gut.
If you learn to listen to your intuition, you’ll always be guided toward living your life authentically. You won’t constantly be monitoring whether or not you’re good enough.
Know your values
What’s most important to you in your life? A lot of times, we don’t really take time to stop and tune in to this. We think we know, and we might have a pretty good idea, but we’re not intentional about it. We don’t allow our values to guide us, either.
How do you know your values? Well, when you work with me, you get a workbook to help you narrow this down to three to five core words that will guide you in everything you do. But, you can also google “values exercise” and there are many resources you can find that will walk you through this in a similar way.
It can feel really hard to narrow it down, but ultimately, you want to just choose a few. You want to be able to remember these words at all times so they can be cornerstones to help you make decisions and live your life from a place of authenticity.
Learn to let go
Buddhist nun and prolific author, Pema Chodron, says the reason we suffer is that we cling to the way we want things to be or the way we think things should be.
I can attest to the fact that attaching to the way you think things should be does, indeed, cause suffering! When my ex-husband and I separated, I was consumed with grief over the fact that I no longer had what I considered a “normal” family. I couldn’t even make it through church–I’d have to leave because seeing all of the other “normal” families made me break down in despair.
When I could start to let go of this rigid view of what a family looks like, and just be willing to accept what I did have in each moment, my life started to feel a little lighter. Today, I still miss my “normal” family, but I am able to accept that I just have a different version of a family and that there really is no such thing as “normal”.
Side note: just because you surrender to what is doesn’t mean you have to like how things are. You can still let go and accept and want to change something. Letting go is a moment-by-moment thing and when you can let go and just be in each moment, you’ll have an easier time accessing the courage to show up as your authentic self.
Work your courage muscle
More on this next week in part 2 of this series, but being authentic is no joke – it takes a lot of courage to be real!
Courage is not comfortable, but the more you practice doing the courageous thing and choose to be real over perfect, the easier it will get.
As you build your courage muscle, you’ll be able to more easily choose to bring more of YOU to your everyday life!
Take time to check in with yourself
This starts with awareness! Do you tend to go through your days on autopilot?
Take a moment to check in with yourself as you go about your day. What does your to-do list look like? Is it aligned with who you are, or do you have a lot of extraneous items that you’re doing to please others, fit in, or hustle for your worth?
How about your relationships? Are you being YOU? Or are you being a chameleon, showing up how you think you need to in order to fit in?
What about the expectations you have for yourself? Which ones are derived from inside and are aligned with who you are? Which ones are based on the expectations of others? (hint: watch out for the word “should”. It’s a good indicator of externally-based expectations!)
Love yourself through all of it
Finally, just love yourself through everything. Even the parts of you that feel hard to love.
We all have a “shadow side” that we tuck away because we (or others) have deemed it unacceptable or unlovable. But the reality is those parts of us are still part of who we are. By locking our shadow side away, we’re just showing up as the person we think we’re “supposed to be”. But who you think you are “supposed to be” isn’t fully YOU.
You can’t embrace your authenticity until you’re ready to accept those harder-to-love parts. They’re part of who you are and combined with all of the other parts of you, they’re what make you YOU.
So there you have it.
Seven tried and true ways that you can cultivate more authenticity in your life. And remember, you can’t create the badass, unstoppable life you want unless you’re ready to embrace the real you.
Prefer to listen? Click HERE to listen to the accompanying podcast episode on Real, Brave, & Unstoppable!
Learn how to be UNAPOLOGETICALLY YOU at this free one-day event on May 5th!!
