My journey is far from over, but I learned how to get through hard times with resilience, perseverance, and grit.
I’ve had many times in my life where I’ve fallen flat on my face and it’s felt really overwhelming to get back up and keep going. But while it’s never been easy, I’ve gotten back up and bounced back, feeling refreshed (kind of), armed with new lessons and insights, and ready to forge ahead.
I recently did an interview for Authority Magazine where I shared 5 things you can do to be more resilient. I was asked to share a time when I had one of my biggest setbacks and how I bounced back from that experience stronger than ever. The story I told was about when I discovered my marriage was over.
I had spent seventeen years of my life creating a future with a man I loved. Our marriage was far from perfect, but we had hopes and dreams that were shattered when I discovered that he had been having an affair with another man. My husband, and father to our two children, was gay.
At first, I really felt like my life was over. I fell into extreme depression and couldn’t see how I would ever survive in this new life that I was being catapulted into. I felt like a victim of my circumstances and I was so overwhelmed with fear that I didn’t know how I would put one foot in front of the other to make it out alive.
But I did make it, and while my life is far from perfect, I’ve bounced back to carry on with my life and take it in the direction of new hopes and dreams I have for myself. I’m creating a new life that’s bigger and better than the one I had before. I’m creating a life that is true to who I am. No one can take it away from me because I am solidly grounded in it and I created it myself.
Resilience and perseverance with a side of grit is my secret to staying on track.
Resilience is defined as the ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change (Merriam Webster)
Now, I wouldn’t say that I recovered easily from my misfortune, but nonetheless, I did recover, so I think it still counts.
As I thought about the word resilience though, it felt like there was more to it. Sure, I recovered, but I didn’t just recover in one easy linear process. So what else factored in?
Perseverance. And Grit.
Resilience and perseverance and grit. Oh my!
Perseverance: continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition. (Merriam Webster)
Grit: firmness of mind or spirit : unyielding courage in the face of hardship or danger. (Merriam Webster)
Now we’re talking. Resilience is possible because of perseverance and grit. And looking at those definitions, I can see I have both of those qualities and always have.
You’re able to be resilient because you desire perseverance – you have the desire to keep going. You can’t just snap your fingers and say, I’d like to be resilient in the face of adversity today. I mean, technically you can, but the chances of the average human being 100% resilient all the time without practice are slim to none. You have to want to keep going, and work to keep going.
Taking this one step further, you’re able to persevere when you have grit.
Angela Duckworth, the author of the book Grit, discovered that talent alone isn’t a guarantor of success. She describes grit as a combination of perseverance and passion for a singularly important goal. She also says that grit is the “hallmark of high achievers in every domain”. She goes on to say that what goes through your head when you fall down is more important than talent or luck.
Bingo.
One thing I noticed when I looked back at the five things to build resilience I shared In my interview with Authority Magazine, was that a common thread through most of the things was related to the stories we tell ourselves. Not just our thoughts, but the narrative running on autopilot in our head.
For example, if you lose a bunch of money in an investment, and the story running in your head is I shouldn’t have invested that money because I’ve always made stupid decisions with money. I should never try that again, you’re likely to cut your losses and continue telling yourself that story, further preventing you from future opportunities that might come your way.
Plus, that narrative would continue to loop in your head, affecting your confidence in future endeavors.
On the flip side, what if you had the story, Oops. That didn’t work out, so let me look at what I could have done differently so I don’t make the same mistake next time, you haven’t made the incident mean anything about you or your intelligence or worth, so you move on. You bounce back from your misfortune.
The desire to persevere helps you bounce back, and grit – your underlying courage in the face of hardship or fear, makes it possible.
I could use my own story as another example.
I’ve always been a person who has had the courage to persevere, even when things are hard. I’m just driven that way, even though my stories sometimes get in my way just like everyone else.
After my divorce, there were days I did just want to lay down and give up. It seemed too hard and too risky to try to rebuild myself and my life. It was scary and uncertain, and my stories at the time told me I was incapable of creating my bigger and better life.
But I still had underlying grit. There was something deep inside me that whispered to me that I still had the courage to keep going even though it was scary and uncertain. If I hadn’t had that grit, or desire to persevere, I wouldn’t have found the resilience to bounce back and rebuild. I likely would have stayed in victim energy and lived my life with chronic depression and anxiety.
I sure didn’t feel resilient, perseverant, or particularly gritty back then, but those qualities were tucked away, just waiting for me to find. Grit helped me get started and the drive to persevere helped me rebuild my resilience muscle.
(Side note: this is why I always say that you already have everything inside you that you need to live an amazing life that you love. Case in point…I had grit in there, even when I didn’t know it.)
So, what are the five things I shared with Authority Magazine about building resilience?
Check your perspective to build resilience and perseverance
Circumstances are inherently neutral. That is to say that they don’t have any meaning until we give them meaning. The meaning we give our circumstances is typically derived from our stories – or the narrative playing in our heads about ourselves and the way the world works.
Take a good look at the story you tell yourself about your circumstances. Adversity might seem like an insurmountable problem, but it doesn’t have to be. Most people don’t realize this, but you are 100% in control of the stories you tell yourself about your life situation.
Your stories, or thoughts, create your feelings, which in turn affect your outcomes. So, if you can work on thinking differently about your situation, it will help you power through when times are tough.
Accept your circumstances and let go of your need to control
You can’t control what’s happening outside of you anyway, so it’s best to focus on what you can control – the way you interpret and respond to what’s happening.
One of my favorite authors, Pema Chödrön says that the reason we suffer is that we cling to the way we want things to be or to the way we think things should be.
When I went through my divorce, I had an incredibly hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I no longer had a “normal” family.
The story in my head was that a “normal” family included two married parents who lived in the same home with their children. My brain found evidence of it everywhere. When I was finally able to let go of this and embrace a new story, that there really is no such thing as “normal”, my pain was much easier to manage.
How does this play into resilience? When you can accept what’s happening (even if you don’t like it) you can navigate life’s bumps a lot more gracefully.
Work on your relationship with yourself
The relationship you have with yourself is really the most important relationship you’ll ever have. How do you feel about yourself? Do you love who you are?
Most of us have an easier time seeing our flaws and shortcomings, but when you’re in the middle of a difficult time that’s not super helpful. It’s important to look at your strengths and accomplishments too! The negatives come up more easily, but be sure to give equal attention to the positives and celebrate those.
When you can get in touch with who you are, accept your flaws, and celebrate your strengths you’ll have the strength and courage to show up in the world in a way that’s true to who you are. Drawing on your innate superpowers will help you stay on track and focused on getting through the hard times.
Connection is king when it comes to resilience and perseverance
Seek out connection with others. You don’t have to do life alone! It’s much easier to build resilience when you surround yourself with others who will lift you up when you’re feeling down.
Also, don’t be afraid to ask for support! There have been many times in my life when I didn’t seek support because I either had a story that everyone else was too busy to help (I didn’t want to be a burden or inconvenience anyone), or I had to look like I had my shit together all the time (be the “strong one”).
That’s a pretty lonely place to be when you’re struggling!
There was a point where I realized that when I showed up simply being myself without worrying about any of those things, I started to build deeper and more meaningful connections.
When you have the courage to be yourself, other people feel more comfortable letting their guard down as well. It’s contagious!
Having these connections to others will really help you draw on your grittiness and persevere when the going gets tough.
Take good care of yourself to build resilience and perseverance
Finally, I know you’ve heard the saying, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
It’s also true that an empty cup won’t give you the reserves you need to persevere in difficult times. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, run-down, or burned out, it’s much harder to keep a positive perspective on your challenging circumstances.
When I don’t get enough sleep or exercise, or when I abandon my healthy habits, I have a harder time getting out of negative thinking. During the hardest times of my life, not taking care of myself would lead to depression.
It’s really important to make sure you get adequate sleep, eat healthy foods, move your body in ways that feel good to you, manage your to-do list, set boundaries, and take time for yourself.
These things should be non-negotiable in your life – the cost of not having this self-care in place is too high!
At the end of the day, we’re ALL capable of being resilient, perseverant, and gritty. Some of us come by it easier than others, but these are muscles that can be strengthened. These five things can help you build YOUR resilience muscle. And better yet, when when you combine them with the desire to persevere and the gritty courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other, you’re sure to be unstoppable!
Listen to the accompanying podcast episode #83 on Real, Brave, & Unstoppable on your favorite streaming platform or HERE
Just because you’re resilient doesn’t mean you have to do this alone.
Check out RISE, my new 3-month private coaching program where you’ll get your bearings and take steps toward creating a bigger and better life than you had before.
