The holiday season is upon us, and while this can be an exciting and joyful time, it can also be easy to feel burdened by the stress of the season. It’s a fast-paced month and knowing your limits will help you to navigate this season with more ease and peace. Setting some boundaries will set you up for a lower-stress holiday so you can stay out of overwhelm and actually enjoy the season.
What are boundaries?
Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave toward them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits (Wikipedia). You can set boundaries with your family, friends, coworkers, partner and even yourself.
Saying no to Family, or doing things on your own terms
This one can be really tough this time of the year. When I was growing up, my entire family lived in the same town… grandparents (on both sides), aunts, uncles, cousins… the whole shebang. My parents would try to hit both sets of grandparents on Christmas Eve. And because families are tricky, there was always a little bit of silent aggression if you were late to one. Of course, it’s inevitable to be late to a 2nd party since it’s pretty easy to get hung up at the first one for longer than anticipated.
One year, my parents decided to set some good old boundaries and we stayed home as a family on Christmas Eve. It made some waves, but I know they enjoyed it so much more. As kids, it didn’t really matter to us, but it was nice to stay away from the chaos and develop some of our own Christmas Eve family traditions we wouldn’t have had time for otherwise. Now that I’m a mom, I see the value in that… without question.
Travel is another thing that comes up this time of year. It’s costly, time-consuming and stressful to travel during the holidays, yet many of us feel that it’s an expectation to travel to see family.
Before my daughter was born, we would travel back home to Minnesota every year for Christmas. We’d ship gifts back ahead of time, deal with the airport and then once we were there, it was shuffling from place to place to see everyone. It was exhausting. The year my daughter was born (on December 1st!), we didn’t want to travel by air with a newborn, so we stayed home. It was the best thing ever. We had the best time as a family. We actually got to relax, and stay in our PJs all day on Christmas Day. Heaven.
Invitations and Parties. Donating and Volunteering
It’s ok to decline an invitation. It really is. There are so many, and sometimes during the holidays, you just need a night of good old R&R. It’s all in the delivery of the decline. You can politely decline an invitation by just being honest. Decide which parties to go to by which invites you received first, or which ones are going to be most fun for you. You are setting your boundaries, so it’s your decision.
Donating and volunteering are both super admirable and noble things to do, for sure. When asked to contribute to a good cause, it is often really hard to say no. Like at Petsmart when they ask you to donate $1 to homeless animals. When they used to personally ask, I could never say no. Now that it’s on the screen when you insert your credit card, sometimes I choose to donate, and sometimes I hit “No Thanks”. That’s a small example, but we can’t donate money or time to every cause. It just isn’t feasible. Get clear on what’s important to you, and from that, you can determine what you want to invest your money and time in.
Expectations
When you find yourself saying “I should do that”, that’s probably a sign that you should take a closer look. Often times the shoulds could really be shouldn’ts. Just because it’s expected doesn’t mean you have to do it.
In my younger years, before kids, my ex-husband and I were living in California, but hadn’t sold our house in Savannah yet. We were paying a mortgage, and rent on the place we were living in, and money was tight. We couldn’t really afford to travel back home for Christmas that year and really had to get creative with our budget. But certain family members on his side decided what everyone needed to spend on each other for gifts. We had exactly zero input. We didn’t exercise our boundaries. We really needed to speak up and tell everyone that we needed to ratchet back that year. We didn’t, and we managed, but it was hard.
How do I set boundaries?
Setting boundaries is a form of self-care and there are some things that you can do to help guide you.
Do you want to know my biggest secret to setting boundaries?
It’s to know my thoughts, desires, feelings about things. It’s knowing what inspires me, brings me joy and who is significant in my life. It’s knowing what my biggest priorities in life are and how I want to spend my time.
It is this knowing that makes it crystal clear to me what is important and what isn’t. It is this knowing that lights the way for me to know what I can take on and what I can’t. What I will take on and what I won’t.
That is the secret, my friends.
So how can you find this inner knowing?
Self-awareness
Check in with yourself when you are faced with making a decision. Do you have a clear sense of yes or no to an invitation, request or expectation? If not, what does your inner compass (above) say?
Take time for yourself
Take 5 minutes each day to tune into yourself. What are you feeling in your body? What physical sensations are you feeling? Emotions? What are your thoughts? Mood?
Slow down the pace
Create a boundary with yourself and make a point to slow down. After Thanksgiving, December flies by, and before we know it, the new year is here. Slow down your breathing when you feel stress or overwhelm, and observe how much you relax.
Honor Your Needs
For many people, this time of the year brings up a sense of loss. It’s okay to feel sadness or grieve during this time, and it’s important to honor where you are. Acknowledge how you feel and know that you aren’t alone. Know that it’s ok to ratchet back on the activities you are involved in, say no to things or skip travel plans this year. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Let go of your expectations
I’ve been there… Pinterest-worthy handmade gifts, a fancy holiday party that took waaaay too much time, energy and money, having a killer holiday card, and having an awe-worthy cookie at the cookie exchange. Going to every length to get everything done perfectly.
Let it go, sister. The only one that truly cares is you. Nothing has to be perfect because guess what – perfection doesn’t exist. Look inward. What lights you up, what brings you joy? What is most important in your life? Go there. Do those things.
Take care of yourself
This one tends to fall by the wayside this time of year. We overeat. We over drink. We don’t take time for ourselves. We do too much. We overcommit. We skip our workouts.
This year, make it a priority to take care of yourself. Get plenty of sleep. Be proactive in eating nutritious foods by planning and prepping meals. Plan your workouts, set boundaries with yourself in relation to alcohol and sweets. Set boundaries with others to help you say no. Take the nap, get the pedi or the massage (or both!). Meditate.
Carving out some time for yourself is a great way to show up for yourself during a typically very stressful time. You can’t drink from an empty cup, so be sure to keep yours full.
So, what do you think? Are you ready to set some boundaries? Start with my secret to setting boundaries and reflect on those questions. Marie Kondo it and reflect on what “sparks joy”. Use your reflections as your compass to help you find your way through December so you can arrive in the new year ready to crush it!
