I’m starting a podcast soon, called Real, Brave and Unstoppable. The podcast was inspired by my journey from having no idea who I was or what I wanted in life to feeling centered, loving who I am (most of the time!) and being in tune with my truest self so I can know what it is that I need and want.
Along with those things, I’ve gained the ability to dig for the courage to go after what I need and want in my life.
For many of us, it feels hard to know where we want to go in life. In my late thirties, I began experiencing what Brene Brown has referred to as a midlife unraveling.
I love the way she describes it – instead of calling it a midlife crisis. It isn’t that it is necessarily a crisis (although mine was in many ways!), but it’s a realization that we are meant for something more than we’re doing… it’s a wake-up call from whatever higher power you believe in that says, “Wake up! You are not using your gifts in the way that you can. You are meant for something bigger!”
It’s a push from your current lane into an entirely different one.
I believe that we are all given this kind of opportunity at some point in our lives. With each struggle that is placed in our path, we are called to grow and learn. Not everyone takes the opportunity to grow and learn from their struggles though.
I had a lane-changer like this. I went from feeling like my life was over, not knowing how I could possibly keep continuing on, to feeling peace and centeredness. I went from feeling like I had to have everything all figured out, to knowing all I have to do, ever, is the next right step?
My journey was definitely not an overnight one, nor will yours be. It is filled with twists and turns, peaks and valleys, light and dark. It is not for the faint of heart. And it is never ending. Remember – it’s about the journey, not the destination.
My journey has really been one of authenticity – of finding my truest self.
It’s almost like we come full circle. When we are kids, we are new and innocent. We’re full of wonder and have no reason to want to be anyone other than who we really are.
We have very few worries since we rely on the grown-ups in our life to protect us when we are little. They decide how we should dress, how we should act and what we should believe. Their job is to keep us safe.
Before the age of seven, our brains are still developing memory and the capability to understand things symbolically. Before that age, we aren’t able to discern for ourselves what we believe about the world. So we rely on the adults in our lives to instill those things in us. We start to build belief systems based on what our family, culture and society believe.
As we get a little older, we start looking outward for friendships and connections and we start to care more about what other people think.
I remember as a small child, being afraid to raise my hand in class for fear of getting an answer wrong or sounding stupid. You may be able to relate. Somewhere prior to that, I must have had an experience where I felt ashamed for saying or doing the wrong thing and I eventually adapted my behavior to protect myself from that happening again in the future.
I felt big and awkward in elementary school. I was always the tallest kid in my class in my younger years, before all of the boys went through their growth spurts. I remember wanting to be smaller so I could fit in.
The beginning of losing our truest selves starts when we start looking for approval and validation. When we start wanting to fit in so badly.
It’s like an onion, but instead of peeling the layers back to get to the heart of the matter, we are adding layers. The layers are our masks – our armor. The armor helps protect us from being vulnerable and getting hurt.
I continued to add layers of armor in my teenage years. I excelled at sports and academics. I excelled at striving and achieving at a high level. My fuel was the approval and validation I got from everyone else but me. But, it wasn’t something I could really control, necessarily.
I was the utmost perfectionist. If I was perfect, I would be happy, but guess what? Perfection is impossible, so I was never really happy. I developed an eating disorder, which somehow gave me a sense of control and a way to numb my feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. Another layer of armor was added.
After high school, I did what any intelligent, high-achieving, validation-seeking teenager would do – I went to college and got a degree in aerospace engineering. I was hired out of college by The Boeing Company. Every aero student’s dream job.
I had reached my dream. But it felt wrong.
I still wasn’t happy, and I had a HUGE case of imposter syndrome. I didn’t feel like I belonged there.
In the engineering world, there are a lot of smart people. In my little high school, I was always the smartest, had the best grades, and got the most awards. So, in going from high school to college, I went from being a big fish in a tiny pond to being a very small fish in a VERY large sea. I never felt smart enough because there was always someone smarter. In my eyes, that equaled failure and meant I didn’t belong. I never felt good enough.
There was also an element of that career that just felt “off” to me. At the time I felt like there was something wrong with me for feeling that way – like maybe I didn’t like it because I really wasn’t smart enough. In hindsight, it felt off because it was not aligned with my truest self. Working at a desk, crunching numbers and working with engineers was not, and never will be, for me. I viewed it as a character flaw – or that it meant I wasn’t worthy when really, it just wasn’t my thing.
I always felt like I had to put on a show to prove I was smart. And a different show to fit in. It was exhausting. More layers of armor.
When my son was born, I left the aerospace industry to be a mom. It made sense at the time because we had just moved to Los Angeles for my husband’s job and I found out I was pregnant just when I was starting to send out resumes to find a job.
I loved being a mom, but my brain was starving. Or, perhaps it was my need for validation that was starving. Maybe both. I started a photography business as a side hustle, which was my first taste of a creative career and entrepreneurship. I loved it, but struggled with losing the identity I had in a “smart career”.
I still really didn’t feel at home with myself.
My son was seven when I got pregnant with my daughter, and it was a huge adjustment for me. I was consumed with anxiety about how my life was going to change. Given my past body issues, I was also consumed with the fear of weight gain and having to lose it post-baby.
When my daughter was born, I struggled with post-partum depression, and I had an eating disorder relapse.
I had finally had enough after I ran a half-marathon on a practically-empty stomach, and had barely eaten anything the week leading up to the race. After the race, I puked my guts out. I felt weak and faint. I not only felt terrible physically, but I felt generally terrible about the person I was.
But, I knew I was so blessed. There was so much good in my life.
I had two amazing kids and a husband that loved me. I realized that I had a choice. I had a choice to keep hating and abusing myself, and I had the choice to do something about it. I couldn’t bear the thought of potentially passing this terrible disease onto my kids, so I chose to do something about it – I did it for them until I was able to do it for me.
I recovered from my eating disorder and felt like I was finally getting somewhere. I had worked on shedding my armor and living without having to control everything. I mellowed significantly and learned to feel my feelings for the first time in a very long time. I was starting to feel alive again and I was able to fully participate in my life.
Then, the shit hit the fan.
I discovered my husband was having an affair with another man. It had been going on for eight months and it wasn’t just a fling. There were “I love yous” and a lot of sex. I was devastated. My marriage of seventeen years was a sham – a joke.
Before I discovered this, I thought I was pretty emotionally solid. I had done an extraordinary amount of work recover from the eating disorder, but in truth, I hadn’t really practiced going through a difficult time with those new skills. I was utterly lost, broken and my emotions overwhelmed me.
I did not navigate my way through this time in my life gracefully. I floundered. I suffered from extreme anxiety and depression, and I got into a terrible romantic relationship that nearly killed me. But, this was the start of something beautiful.
I learned to take my armor off. One layer at a time.
It started with learning to feel my feelings. One of the most important things I learned was that feelings are like waves. They come and go, and they don’t have to be good or bad – they just are. I learned to sit with the discomfort of the “bad” feelings, and learned to have gratitude for the “good” ones. I also learned that they are impermanent – that nothing lasts forever – neither the good nor the bad.
For the longest time, I struggled with gratitude. My Mom once sent me a gratitude journal – a gift I sort of rolled my eyes at because it seemed so simple and cliche. But during this time, I really worked hard on it. During my darkest days I could barely find three things to be grateful for. My kids were a given, but I couldn’t see the good in much else.
I kept at it, and it is one of the most powerful tools I have in my toolbox today. Somehow, I have managed to shift my presence from one of focusing on the negative to one filled with gratitude – even in the bad times.
Hear me on this: sticking with a gratitude practice really does work.
I learned to have faith. My mom, who lives far away, was so worried about me that she contacted my church and sought help for me. When I opened my eyes and my heart to miracles, I saw so many. I learned that they were everywhere if you just look.
I learned mindfulness and meditation.
Sitting still and connecting with myself was a gift. I journaled, prayed and soaked up all of the information I could. To this day, Pema Chodron’s books are some of my most treasured, and helped me through so many dark times.
I learned to forgive.
The divorce from my husband was messy, difficult and full of nastiness. There really shouldn’t have been much to fight about, but somehow there always was.
Having so much anger and hate toward my ex-husband was only hurting me. I made the choice to forgive and worked hard on it every single day.
I learned how to see the good in the bad situations.
It was difficult, but today, I consider all of these hardships in my life blessings because they brought me to where I am today.
Most importantly, I learned to let go.
I learned to let go of who I always thought I should be. I let all of the layers of armor fall away and accepted my authentic, truest self. I work on self-love every day, but I feel like I am present with who I am and am excited about the life I am creating every day.
I’m not wishing I am somewhere else. I am one with my true self and all the parts of me are on this journey together, learning and growing as we travel.
One of my favorite quotes is by Paulo Coelho:
“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”
I’m going to land there and wish you the most beautiful journey of unbecoming.
