I settled in to read a new book this week. I’ve had it on my list for well over a year. It’s called The Desire Map, by Danielle LaPorte. It’s a really refreshing way at looking at goal-setting. I’d love to share my thoughts on it so far and how it might help you think differently about setting and working toward goals.
Last week, I guided a group of action-takers toward setting some new year goals in my free Unstoppable in 2020 goal setting challenge. I took them through creating an action plan to reach 2-3 of their goals in the coming year. We approached it from a place of intentionality. Not only did we choose goals – we focused hard on WHY we wanted to reach those goals.
Several participants commented on how they had never really considered the “why” behind their goals before. One participant said she started to realize some of the goals she had been working toward really weren’t as important as she thought when she considered why she wanted to reach them. She commented that if she doesn’t know why she wants to work toward something, she’ll take a closer look because it’s a red flag to her that it might not be a goal she wants to put her blood, sweat and tears into. I think that’s smart.
I wanted to explore this a step further after diving into The Desire Map.
The idea behind The Desire Map is thinking about goal setting in terms of how we want to feel. Our “Core Desired Feelings”.
Brilliant.
It’s starting with the why and reverse-engineering what we do to get to those feelings.
So good.
Each year, I sit down with one of my 3 thousand notebooks (just ask my kids and my boyfriend, haha) and hammer out the things I want to work toward in the coming year. After reading this book, I’m planning to make some shifts in how I approach the setting of and aiming toward goals.
Here are a few:
What Are My Desired Feelings?
It’s not really the attainment of something that makes me feel good, it’s reaching a certain state of being and feeling that does it for me. So, I’ll start here. In 2020, I want to feel more freedom to create. I want to feel centered, grounded, free to feel adventurous. I want to feel free to speak my mind. I want to feel content but not complacent. I want to feel driven and inspired. I want to feel intentional.
Value Inspiration Over Motivation
I often don’t feel motivated. Because I feel like I have this long list of shit to get done. Of course, there is huge value in a to-do list. But, what if I were to approach it from a place of inspiration? I am inspired to keep my house clean because it helps my mind be free of clutter, which in turn contributes to helping me gain the feeling of freedom and intentionality that I crave. Hmm.
Pulling vs. Pushing
What am I being pulled toward? What is it that the universe is pulling me toward rather than what am I pushing myself to do? What do I crave? In my goals challenge, I drove the point home to my participants that sometimes we set our goals based on who we think we should be, not who we truly are. Hear that. Have you ever done it? Raising my hand wildly over here. Instead of forcing myself into one place, I will start to listen. I will listen intently to see what I’m being pulled toward.
What’s Not Working?
Have you ever made a “what’s not working list”? There is sometimes a lot of value in looking at what you don’t want to help you figure out what you do want. What is not working in my life? What should I abandon? It is ok to give up, or stop working toward a goal if the process isn’t working, or if the goal is no longer serving you. Sometimes, the thing that you think will get you to a desired feeling just wasn’t the right thing. Course-correct. It’s ok.
Expand My “Feelings Vocabulary”
As I started to think about how I wanted to feel this year, I realized that I have a block when it comes to creative vocabulary. I want to really put some creative thinking into this. I want to have a list of feelings that is vibrant and colorful. A list that really creates a spark of huge inspiration when it comes to setting out on my 2020 journey.
What Do I Need to DO To Feel the Way I Want to Feel?
The shift is to let this guide me every day, not what I should be doing. What things can I do today to get me to how I want to feel? Using this as a guide feels so right to me. Like a compass, not a hard-core route. Sometimes you change course and that’s ok.
Goals as Intentions and Allowing Myself to Let Go of the Target to Keep the Feeling
I like the idea of thinking of a goal as an intention. I intend to feel joyful. I intend to feel free. I intend to be creative and inspire others. I intend to be a solopreneur that runs her own empire. I intend to be a good mom. I intend to feel empowered and all sorts of awesome. And if my target no longer gives me the feeling I intend to have, I can let it go and create something better suited to how I want to feel. Beautiful.
Value Inner Attunement Over Outer Attainment
Have you ever reached a goal and felt a little anticlimactic? “Ok, I did it. Now what?”. I want to be fiercely in tune with myself. If I am in tune with myself and how I feel, I will know if I am on the right path. If I am maintaining my desired feelings, I will know that my goals are serving me. With this thinking, it becomes less of a big deal to course-correct if those goals are no longer creating the feeling I desire. In the past, I have viewed changing a goal, or deciding it was no longer what I wanted, as failure. As giving up. By staying in tune with myself, I can see when something truly no longer serves me and just let go.
Stop Judging What I Want and How I Want to Feel
Have you ever felt guilty for wanting more money? Or maybe you have people in your life that think you should act a certain way or strive for certain types of things because you’re smart, or pretty. Or perhaps, you have parents that wanted you to become something because it was prestigious or financially lucrative. But it isn’t what you want. The recovering perfectionist in me sometimes feels like just wanting to be isn’t enough. I feel guilty for not wanting to strive for bigger things that sound prestigious. I’m not an aerospace engineer anymore. I should be using my degree. That makes me less.
I will not judge what I want any longer. I’ll go back to those desired feelings to help guide me back to myself.
Know That Chasing Meaningless Goals Will Exhaust Me
So much of this is about reaching for goals that are aligned with your true you. All of it, actually. If I choose a goal based on what I want someone else to think of me, or something I just pulled out of thin air as wanting to do because it looks impressive or I think I should strive for it, the aiming and striving will exhaust me. I don’t want a goal to feel exhausting to me. I don’t want to strive toward something to prove myself to someone. I want my striving to feel inspiring and empowering.
Be Careful of Wanting “It All”
This is someone else’s definition of success. The perfect 6-figure prestigious job. A degree from a prestigious university. The “perfect” family. The big house, the fancy car. Extravagant vacations and designer clothes and furniture. Surely these things should feel good, right? I guarantee if you ask anyone who has all of these things, they are not any happier than a person who has none of it. Be careful of defining success based on other people’s metrics. What do I need that will give me the feelings I want to feel?
I’m really starting to love this question.
Don’t Set Goals To Avoid Pain
I want to lose 100 pounds because I don’t want to be fat anymore is a goal to avoid pain. I want to go back to school to be a lawyer, even though that job seems boring as hell, so I can make a half million a year and get out of debt – that’s a goal to avoid pain. We need better reasons. Again, those reasons lead back to feelings.
Lean Into the Resistance. It’s Where the Magic Happens.
We’re going to resist change – it’s in our nature. But when we bump up against an uncomfortable edge, that’s where the real growth happens. This is where we push ourselves just a little further – like strengthening muscles. We push a little harder and it’s uncomfortable. We lean into the discomfort and we grow a little. Rinse and repeat.
A happy life is all about mindset. It really is. Sometimes it’s difficult to keep a positive mindset in the midst of our chaotic lives, but having desired feelings as a compass to guide us makes sense. In my work, I talk a lot about knowing what your values are, and how your values can light your path. Same thing with your desired feelings. These mindset shifts I want to make will help me focus less on the numbers and the data of my goals. These shifts will help me focus on staying in tune with my soul. Does my soul feel nourished?
Am I feeling how I want to feel?
I haven’t even started the workbook for The Desire Map yet, but I am loving this concept and I can’t wait to explore further. I would love to hear your thoughts. What do you think of setting goals based on how you feel? Does it feel refreshing that the target can change to keep the feeling(s) the same? Do you see any of these shifts fitting into your life?
Comment below, or head on over to my Facebook Page to drop a comment there.
If you liked this post, check these out too:
Why Reaching Goals is Hard and What You Can Do About It
Change Your Habits, Change Your Life
5 Steps to Fix Your Mindset When You’re in a Difficult Place
If you need more help working on how you want to feel in your life, I have a special gift for you! Download my free journal prompts to help you get from feelings that keep you stuck to feelings that help you soar!
