A toxic relationship can teach you so much. But it will also rob you of all the love and light that you deserve. Letting go of a toxic relationship can be the best gift you can give yourself. Read to find out why.
Relationships are hard enough, even when they are great. But you deserve to be in one where you are treated with respect and love. If you’re not getting what you need and deserve in your relationship, sometimes letting go and telling someone to get lost is the best gift you can give yourself – even though it may be hard.
My ex and I split up about 5 years ago. We had been married for 17 years, and after that long, I kind of figured we were home free, as far as lasting marriages go. Needless to say, when it happened, I was devastated. I had lost myself over the years being part of a couple, and without that relationship, who was I anymore?
I was terrified of being alone, which led me to start exploring the dating world much, much too soon. I dated a really nice guy that I just wasn’t into and we became friends. I dated a guy (once) that freaked me out and taught me never to get in a car with a stranger. I dated a guy that ghosted me. Finally, I dated a guy that I thought was my soul mate. And he nearly ruined my life.
When I met him, I wasn’t really all that in to him. He seemed too quiet for me, but he was cute and after a few dates, I started to really like him. We were both mid-divorce, and we had lots to talk about. He was super-thoughtful and offered his time and affection freely.
After about a couple months, it started to get sort of weird. He became very quiet and contemplative whenever we were together. There was so much silence. He was always lacking in energy and never wanted to really go out and do anything fun. In a more healthy mental state, maybe I would have seen the red flags.
We connected on a deeper level though – when he did talk. We were both in search of meaning in our lives. We were both trying to make sense of it all. I felt like we had this deep bond that I had never shared with anyone else. We both struggled with depression and with finding our places in this new life after divorce.
I wanted connection so badly, and I needed someone to fill the hole that my ex-husband had left. People told me I had to learn to be alone first – to get to know myself again, but I didn’t want to hear that. I just desperately wanted to feel whole again, and at the time whole meant being with someone.
As he grew distant, I tried harder and harder to get attention and affection from him. And of course, the more I tried to get the affection, love and attention I so desperately wanted, the more he pulled away. I assumed there was something wrong with me. I was desperately searching for him to treat me a certain way – to fill the void left by my failed marriage. I was constatncly “fishing” for him to treat me how I wanted, and when he didn’t, I crumbled from the frustration. I couldn’t understand how someone could be so selfish when I was giving so much.
We’d been together for about 5 or 6 months when he started having terrible anxiety accompanied by suicidal thoughts. One night, when he was afraid to be alone, I rearranged my schedule with my kids so I could stay with him to make sure he was ok. He ended up feeling like he needed hospitalization to stay safe. I stayed by his side the entire time, and when he was admitted, I visited him every single day. I rearranged my days so I could be there for him. I was practically existing to be needed by him.
As he was preparing to be released from inpatient, he was, understandably, afraid to be on his own. He asked if he could stay with me, which was tricky since I have 2 kids who were obviously both going through the divorce too. It wasn’t ideal, but I was ready to help him however I could. His parents ended up coming to stay with him, so that measure wasn’t necessary, but it also meant he didn’t need me anymore.
All of his attention was focused inward and on getting better, and not at all toward me or showing any appreciation for the sacrifices I was making for him. Let’s be clear – this is how it should have been, and I know that he absolutely needed to take care of himself. It made me crazy because I wanted him to love me like I (thought) I loved him. I just couldn’t see that he was not in a place where he could really love anyone. That hole I was trying to fill just kept getting deeper.
When he was hospitalized, it almost normalized the experience for me. He got a break from life for a few days and I basically dropped my life to save his. Maybe he’d do the same thing for me, and maybe he’d finally give me the attention I craved. Maybe, just maybe, I could start to fill in that big hole in my heart. This was, of course, a subconscious line of thinking, but in hindsight, I can see that I was grasping for any shred of validation from him that I was worthy of his love.
Long story short, I ended up being hospitalized too due to severe depression. The pain I had from everything going on in my life was unbearable. He spent a little time being supportive, but he didn’t drop everything to be there for me like I did when he needed me.
I felt so alone. I had never felt so alone in my life.
The relationship had grown to be so screwed up and codependent that I had lost any shred of sanity that I had left. Looking back, it feels a little embarrassing that I stayed in this place when everyone I knew told me to get out. I wanted the relationship to work – at any cost. He broke up with me right before Christmas, which was also completely devastating to me. I didn’t take it well. I hated him for it.
“It doesn’t matter how much you love someone, or worship the ground they walk on, if they are treating you like shit, you deserve better.”
To make matters worse, in the new year, he texted me to tell me that he missed me. We started hanging out again and maintained a “friends with benefits” kind of relationship. Ugh. How dumb could I be?? Again, I was there whenever he needed me, at great cost to my own well-being. I held on to this shred of hope that maybe things would work out. Somehow, someday.
This went on for a few months, and while it felt a little less stressful to me because we weren’t really “together”, I still had this crazy hope that things would work out, eventually. When his depression and anxiety flared up again, he took some time to go to North Carolina to stay with his parents for a month while he attended a partial hospitalization program. We stayed in contact the whole time, and toward the end of his stay there, he talked about how he was starting to feel like we should get back together. I was still in heart hole-filling mode, so in my mind, it was like things were finally coming together – this was why I had stuck it out so long, after all! When he came home from North Carolina, we didn’t really talk about “being back together”, but it sure felt that way. It finally felt nice.
And then one day, everything changed.
I invited some friends over for my birthday. He was late. Really late. I tried calling him multiple times with no answer. As I hung out with my friends and tried to make fun conversation and pretend nothing was wrong, I felt hurt, unimportant and unworthy. All of my not enoughness came flooding to the surface. When he finally did show up, he was weird, and it didn’t take long before I figured out he was on a date. Later that week, when I pressed him on it, he told me he was on a date with the woman he “just knew” would be his future wife.
After one date we were over. Just. Like. That.
After one date, he was exclusively dating another woman whom he would marry someday and he didn’t even apologize, explain or get how shitty all of it was.
I was so angry, but I was also blindsided, hurt and I felt like an idiot. I had given so much of myself for this asshole, and he treated me terribly and without care. The rest of the details aren’t necessarily important, but in the end, I told him to f* off and that I didn’t ever want to see or talk to him again.
All of my hurt was finally starting to turn into something useful – anger. I think I needed anger to get out of that relationship. And to get over him, I wrote all of the reasons he is a complete shit human being on my bathroom mirror – just so I could remind myself how much better off I was going to be without that relationship.
It worked.
I didn’t really start to heal from the pain of my divorce until after my F* you moment, and I didn’t really date for a while after that. I reconnected with friends I saw much less of when I was dating him. I reconnected with myself. I learned how to be alone – and how to appreciate that time. I learned what I want and need in a relationship. Most of all though, I learned that I am worthy of love and I deserve someone who wants to give back. I learned that I shouldn’t settle for less than someone that wants to be an equal partner in my life.
Despite how horrible that time was in my life, I am so grateful for the experience. I learned so much about myself and grew so much personally during that time.
We were just two people that were struggling with where we were in life. We weren’t right for each other, but we were put in each other’s path to teach each other something. He ended up getting married to the woman he was with when he was late to my birthday party, and I am so thankful that she ended up as his wife and not me. I like to believe that he really is a good person that was just going through a really tough time when he met me. I do wish him the best. We all deserve that, right? I could even go so far as to thank him for the things he helped me learn.
The lessons that came out of this very painful experience are many, and I want to summarize them so that you, too, can learn from my mistakes. I hope you find these helpful.
You Are Absolutely Worthy of All the Love
“You deserve the world, even it means giving it to yourself.”
r.h. Sin, The Self Love
It doesn’t matter who you are, you deserve love. Yes, you. And if you are with someone who doesn’t love you like you deserve to be loved, you should look elsewhere. Move on. For real.
Figure Out How to Love Yourself First
“If you don’t love yourself, nobody will. Not only that, you won’t be good at loving anybody else. Loving starts with the self.”
Wayne Dyer
It’s been said that you can’t really love anyone until you learn to love yourself first. And, I don’t think you can really truly accept and feel love until you learn to love yourself first, either. What’s more, when you learn to love yourself, you don’t need another person to fill any emotional holes. You are already whole all on your own. The love you find when you are whole is a different kind of love, and it’s beautiful.
You Have Value as a Person
“Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you’re worth the trip.”
Glenn Beck
If you are with someone that can’t see how valuable you are, you’re with the wrong person. You, my friend, have unique talents. You are beautiful. You are amazing. There is someone out there that will see it. But you have to believe it, too.
Every Experience in Your Life Has Something to Teach You
“Every experience in your life is being orchestrated to teach you something you need to know to move forward”
Brian Tracy
I bet if you look at all of the challenging experiences in your life, you can find at least something you’ve learned. And if you don’t agree with me, I can almost guarantee that you’re not trying hard enough.
Life isn’t easy, and challenges are how we grow. If I hadn’t had this difficult experience, it wouldn’t have led me to my current partner, who loves me and supports me more than I could have ever dreamed of. I learned so much about relationships – and myself – that I wouldn’t have otherwise learned, and who knows – I might not have been ready to meet the love of my life.
Letting Go Can Be a Beautiful Thing
“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are part of your history, but not a part of your destiny”“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you”
Buddha
Letting go is hard. We want what we want, and leaving things up to a “greater plan”, or “fate”, or whatever, is hard to do. It’s hard to accept that sometimes what we want isn’t the best thing for us. But, you have to trust that some things are not best for you, and those are the things to let go of.
And… sometimes those things come in the form of telling someone to fuck off.
Sometimes letting go of a toxic relationship is easier if you have a clear sense of who you are. Download these free journal prompts to help you get some clarity!
