It’s frustrating when something in life knocks you to your knees. I’ve been there! Listen to this episode of Real, Brave, & Unstoppable to learn my 5 steps to bounce back from a divorce or breakup (or other life upset!).

If you’ve ever been through a divorce, breakup, or other loss in life, you know that it’s a process to recover.

This week, I talk about the 5 steps I take my clients through when we work together to rebuild their lives after a divorce, breakup, or other life setbacks.

You’ll learn how to re-orient yourself so you can take the first steps toward recovery, why letting go and accepting are paramount to successful recovery, how to reconnect with who you really are, and more.

If you, or anyone you know, is going through a rebuild, let’s talk about how I can help YOU create a new life that’s bigger and better than the one you had before. 

Schedule a call at www.kortneyrivard.com/lets-talk

Visit https://www.kortneyrivard.com/lovelife to download a free guide on how to create a life you love!

Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/kortneyrivard)

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Transcript
Episode 78: 5 Steps to Bounce Back from a Divorce or Breakup (or other life upset!)

Hello, and welcome back to Real, Brave, & Unstoppable episode #78, 5 Steps to Bounce Back from a Divorce, Breakup, or other life upset.

This is the kickoff episode of Season 2 of the podcast, themed around topics related to reclaiming who you are and rebuilding your life after a divorce, breakup, or other life setbacks.

Recently, I’ve been working with a lot of people who are divorced or have broken up with someone, including myself. I actually just broke up with my boyfriend of five years this week, so I’m going through this process of bouncing back as we speak and I’m really passionate about helping others get to the other side. I wish I would have had someone who had been through it by my side when I was trying to find my way after my ex and I split up.

This season was definitely inspired by my own experience and those of some of my clients, but even if you haven’t been through a divorce or breakup, everything I talk about this season will be applicable to you if you’ve had any kind of setback in life. And let’s face it -most of us have!

When you’ve been through something like this, you feel lost. There is SO much change and so much loss, that you feel like you can’t even find where you are on the map. There’s a lot to rebuild and it’s hard to know where to even start. It’s hard to bounce back from a divorce or breakup!

I’ve been there! I’ve been there and I’ve made it to the other side in one piece. And if I can do it, anyone can! I was a hot mess, friends. I didn’t function well at all. Also, I have the support of friends, family, and a therapist, but I didn’t really have the support of someone who had been in the trenches – someone who had been through it. I didn’t have that tangible symbol of hope, so to speak.

I had people tell me all the time, oh, it will get better. It’ll take a few years and you’ll feel normal again.

Ok, that’s great, but I really needed someone who knew this path to walk with me – to help me bounce back. So it’s been something that recently I’ve become really passionate about.  It’s so needed. It’s so hard when you’re in it – whether it’s a divorce, breakup, losing your job, losing someone you love, or other things in your life where you feel like you’re starting over, or you feel lost. All of those things are so hard and it really sucks to be there. We need to help each other out!!

The other inspiration for this topic was my own experience. I lived a life that was really beautiful on paper. And it was a beautiful life, yet I felt there was always something missing. I never felt quite complete. And later, I learned that was just because I was looking in the wrong places for completeness or happiness. And you can never find that outside of yourself. You never will.

So, I’ve had that pretty life on paper, and the people I talk to in my work, their lives are pretty good too. They say they have a lot to be thankful for. But then they feel guilty because they don’t feel complete, or they feel like they want more. So common.

And then, I’ve been through the experience of having a perfect-looking life and having it crumble, quite literally, before my eyes. And when I say that, literally one moment I was making dinner plans with a friend and the next I had discovered his affair and was on the floor sobbing.

I can still feel that moment in my body – I’ve healed so much from it, but it still is present when I think about that time of my life.

But some of the things I struggled with during that time were not knowing what was next, or where to start figuring it out. I didn’t know who I was without the relationship. I felt like I lost my identity. I had no idea what I really loved to do anymore. I had no idea what I was going to do to support myself financially. I was afraid of being alone. I was feeling like a victim – why me?  I felt like my life sucked, and in comparison, it felt like everyone else had life super easy.

But, as I said, I made it through!! I made it to the other side. I bounced back from my divorce and I’ve discovered that there is always healing to be done in life. There is always growing to do. That’s something that in our human life here, we will never be done with. There’s always something else to learn, another part of us to heal, a little more growing to do.

And while it might be hard, it doesn’t have to suck. Bouncing back can be a beautiful journey.

So today, I just want to talk about the steps that happen on the path to bouncing back from your breakup or divorce and to reinventing your life.  The different phases you go through once life has knocked you to your knees.

One thing I do want to impress upon you is that any time you’re in a place in life where things are hard and feel like they suck – like you’ll never make it through, there are no shortcuts. I’m afraid to tell you that the only way is through. No shortcuts in this work.

And yes, I know. Sometimes a shortcut to bouncing back would be nice.

So, let’s dive into the journey.

The first phase you find yourself in is the emotional rollercoaster. The shock. The complete disorientation.

When something goes wrong, or life throws you a curveball, the first part is getting your bearings. It’s like being lost in the wilderness. Even though you have a compass and a map, you don’t really know how to use them yet and you are just trying to figure out where you are on your map so you can take the first steps. You might feel groundless and lost. Your emotions feel painful, and they are scary because you don’t like to feel pain. And your emotions are intense – perhaps more intense than you’ve ever had to deal with before.

So that’s the first step – learning how to strengthen your nervous system to handle those painful emotions. And there are a lot of things you can do here to help with that. When I was going through my divorce, I went through a program called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Everyone should learn the skills they teach in this program – they teach skills to manage emotions, stay present and communicate more effectively.

Everyone finds what works for them in terms of handling their emotions, and there are different tools like practicing mindfulness, plunging your face in ice water if your anxiety is really high. Have a list of soothing activities to turn to when your emotions get out of control, and the like.

But that’s the first thing in learning to bounce back from a breakup or divorce – is to get a handle on the emotions and learn how to sit with them – learn how to be with your pain.

It sounds so difficult and it really sucks to have to let that pain be there. But you do have to sit with it. Remember, I said the only way is through. You can’t push the pain away or it will come back to haunt you.

Next is processing everything and accepting your situation. This is much easier said than done, of course. But ultimately, that’s what you work toward – accepting what is. Surrendering to what is. Letting go of the way you want things to be, or the way you think things should be.

When you surrender to what is and accept what comes, it’s such a beautiful thing. You’ll be surprised at how well you can handle really hard things when you’re able to surrender and let go and accept what’s coming your way.

In this part of your bouncing back journey, you feel like you don’t have your bearings and you haven’t really learned how to use your compass yet. Your inner compass is like your intuition – your heart – it guides you. But you haven’t learned how to use that yet. You don’t really know which direction to go. You’re not really even sure where you are on the map.

This can feel really scary and groundless. Fear is so normal at this stage, and sometimes it might feel like you’ll never be able to get over your fears.

Some of your fears might be will I find my way? Can I do it? Can I make it on my own? What if I’m alone forever? What if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t find anyone else. What if I never find another job, or what if I never make as much money as I once did?

You might feel like your life is over and are afraid you’ll never get it back.

You’re afraid of being judged. What are people going to think that you’re so lost? You can’t even find your way.

You might be afraid of never recovering. A lot of people say well, I think I feel like I’m always going to feel this way. How is it possible that I’ll ever feel better?

So, if you pay attention to all of those fears, I want you to notice how you feel after thinking about all of these potential fears. When I work with people, I like to get them out of their heads and into their bodies.

When you notice what comes up around fear, where do you feel it in your body when you think about not making it or not having enough? It doesn’t feel good, does it? So when you can soften into that fear, when you can let go and be willing to accept what is, manage your emotions, and surrender, that’s when you can start taking some steps forward in spite of the pain.

You can walk with your pain and once you have those first steps to bouncing back figured out, it’s like finding yourself on the shopping mall map. You know where you are and that’s about it. You don’t know what stores you want to shop at, but at least you have a starting point.

The next part is all about reconnecting with yourself –rediscovering who you really are and reclaiming that person and showing up unapologetically as that person.

When something happens in your life that shakes you to your core, it’s common to feel like you don’t even know who you are anymore. Many people don’t feel like they don’t know themselves or what they even like anymore. It can be really confusing – like you can see where you are on the map, but you don’t know where you want to go.

To know where you want to go, you have to find or rediscover your authentic self.

The best way I can describe this is if we relate it to the shopping mall map. Let’s say that you really love Gucci, or some other high fashion designer brand. The best place to get it is probably somewhere like Saks Fifth Avenue or something like that. But let’s say that your true self really loves the nice, luxurious things in life – only you’re not really sure about that yet because you haven’t taken the time to figure that out yet. So, you just start walking trying to find a store.

You end up at Old Navy and they tell you that you have to stay there. But deep down, you like Gucci. You’re not going to feel so good.

Another way of putting it is related to relationships. A lot of times when we’re dating or looking for a partner, we have a mentality that we need to be a certain way to attract a partner. We have to be pretty enough or thin enough to find someone worth being with. So we try to fix ourselves to be the right person to attract someone.

The problem is that when you filter yourself when you’re out there meeting people, you attract someone who is looking for the type of person you’re pretending to be – not the person you really are. So when you get into the relationship – let’s just say you get married – and then over time, your partner starts to realize that you’re not the same person they fell in love with. That’s because you weren’t being the person you’re really meant to be when you met them.

Rediscovering your true self – rediscovering your authenticity you know what’s true for you, your heart and your soul is so important to bouncing back from a breakup or divorce because otherwise, you’re going to end up at the wrong destination.

It’s one thing to get to know your authentic self, but it’s another to actually show up in the world fully as that person. I’ll talk about that more in a minute, but in order to show up in the world fully authentic, you need to learn how to love yourself. 

It’s kind of like when you’re climbing a mountain. You have a long journey ahead of you and it’s not easy. So you need to refuel along the way. You need to take care of your exhaustion. Maybe you have blisters… you need to take care of those too. Same thing with self-love. You’re on this journey that’s really new and you don’t even know exactly where you’re going. You’re following your map and using your compass – your heart or intuition – but the journey is hard and you have to give yourself some love and compassion. You have to love the person who’s tired. Love the person who’s lost. You have to love all of it because then you can take care of yourself. You can keep putting one foot in front of the other on your journey when you take care of yourself.

And a lot of things are part of self-love, like self-compassion, taking care of your body, mind, and spirit, mindfulness, gratitude, patience, grace. Trust in yourself. Talk nicely to yourself. No more beating up on your body or telling yourself you’re not smart enough. None of that.

But it’s more than that – it’s also not judging the part of you who has those feelings. It’s all just a lot of love. You just need to remember to lead with love, always.

Go back to the heart. Lead with love.

The next step on the journey to bouncing back is to stand in your truth – to show up in the word in your full truth. To fiercely claim yourself. This is hard sometimes!

Right now in the world, there are a lot of big egos trying to control others. Ego gets in the way of love. What would happen if we all came back to our truths and claimed the person we truly are? What if there was no ego?

What if we were all simply our authentic selves – our souls, spirits – which are essentially love?

If we stood steadfastly in our truth, war wouldn’t be possible when there is no ego, posturing, or proving.

So, it’s really important to show up in your truth and do so unapologetically. But, it’s not always easy. My own recent example is the relationship I just ended. I’ve known for a while that this partnership wasn’t really in my truth. It wasn’t a soul match for me and yet I’ve just stayed in it thinking it’s just fine and this is how things are supposed to be.

At one point, I realized that I was afraid in a lot of ways to leave the relationship. I was afraid of being on my own, having enough money, having support. I realized I wasn’t being true to myself. I wasn’t showing up unapologetically as myself.

Yet, it was really hard because I didn’t want to leave the relationship because staying was the safe thing to do. My partner and I were together for five years, and it’s also really hard when you still love someone to realize that you’re not a soul match. I realized that in order for me to walk my talk and do what I do in the world and help people with this, I have to be an example of what’s possible, and also an example of what you have to do to make things possible.

So that’s an example of how it can be hard to be authentic all the time. It might be showing up and speaking your truth in terms of racism and inclusivity. It could be speaking up if you’re being taken advantage of. It could be setting boundaries.

In any case, it’s really important for all of us to start seeing the benefits of showing up that way.

So now that you’ve gotten this far on your journey, you’re starting to feel like you kind of know where you’re going. You’re starting to see the road stretching out in front of you and you’re going to recognize how much you’ve learned and how much stronger you are. So that’s when you can really take big steps toward the life you really want.

It’s like making your summit bid. This is where you create. Expand. Rebuild. Reinvent.

This is the part where you create a new chapter – a bigger and better life than the one you had before.

Here is where you get unstuck. And the summit is the last part. It’s the hardest though so you have to get out of your comfort zone and do some things that are scary. You’ve already been kind of doing them, but you have to keep that up. You have to keep being bold and really stepping one foot in front of the other.

It’s in this leg of the journey where you can really unleash your dreams. A lot of us forget how to dream though. We feel like we’re being selfish. We feel like we’re not good enough or worthy enough to want more. And when we do want more, then we feel guilty about it. It’s really common for grownups to forget how to dream.

But this is the opportunity to create what you’ve always wanted. It’s also the time when you have to work on strengthening your “belief muscle”. If you’ve ever seen photos of people summitting mountains, at this point, they’ve been at extreme altitudes for weeks and their brains are oxygen-starved. They’re typically taking in supplemental oxygen to help their brains keep them alive.

But they are so close to reaching their goal. They can see the summit and they know how badly they want to reach it. But the little bit of the journey that’s left is the hardest part and if they don’t believe they can reach the summit, they’ll quit.

So this part of your journey is where you work on your self-concept – building your belief muscle and cleaning up your mind. This is the part where you might even be able to see some of the gifts in your situation.

I never ask anyone to try to see that before they get to this stage. You’ve been through a lot and you don’t want to be told that it’s for the best. You might even believe it deep down, but you definitely don’t want to hear it.

So, you start to see the gifts and learn the lessons. You also realize that you can rewrite your story. A lot of times when something bad happens, or when you get knocked down, it’s really easy to fall into a victim mentality. And sometimes we need to spend time here to process our emotions, but we definitely don’t want to stay here because victim mode is where we think that everything just happens to us. We think we have no control and we don’t want to take responsibility for any feelings.

But this is where it’s crucial to take responsibility for your feelings, actions and what does/doesn’t work out. Even if someone else has hurt you, be willing to take responsibility for your part in it.

You might be thinking, but it’s not my fault. Why should I take responsibility?  But it’s so empowering. You’re regaining your independence and you’re starting to feel really good about it. You’ve got your big hiking boots on, your pack, and trekking poles. You’ve got all the things. Maybe you even have a Sherpa and a yak.

This is where life becomes a big old, amazing adventure, and this is where you’ll start to see that.

Those are the steps that I went through on my own healing journey and a lot of people go through them as well. And then you reach your summit. And there’s always another summit. And that doesn’t have to be bad news, right? There’s always another summit.

There are ups and downs in this life. You might come down from your mountain and you might go through another time that’s difficult and need to climb another one. But the next time you’ll be able to do it faster because you’ll have the tools to climb again. You’ll know how to find where you are on your map. You’ll know how to use your compass and you’ll be able to manage being afraid. You will know it’s not going to be easy, but you’ve got this because you’ve done it before. You’ve strengthened your nervous system to be able to handle it. You’re resilient.

I just love talking about this process as a journey because it’s such an adventurous one. And like I said, even if you haven’t been through a breakup or divorce, or loss of someone, everyone has something in their life that they’ve had to bounce back from. So, no matter what end of the spectrum you’re on in terms of how extreme your situation, it doesn’t matter because this journey is similar for everyone.

To recap, first you have to get your bearings. You need to learn how to manage your emotions and be with your pain without pushing it away before anything else.

Then, you need to accept your situation and surrender to what the Universe has in store for you.

And then, it’s about relief and rediscovering who you are at your core, reclaiming YOU, owning who you are, and having a lot of self-love along the way to take care of yourself. You need to fall in love with yourself.

Then, it’s about showing up in the world authentically and unapologetically standing in your truth, always making the decisions that are hard, but true to you and that align with you.

One thing I didn’t say before and will say now is that when you’re not living in alignment with your truth, that’s where people get stuck. That’s where people get stuck on the hamster wheel and they feel like every day is the same. They just don’t feel in sync with their lives.

But to get out of that rut, you have to live in your truth. You have to live authentically. That’s where you experience so much joy. You experience lows too, but without living in your truth, you dull both the joy and the pain. When you aren’t living there, you’re missing out on so much joy.

And the last phase is making your final bid for the summit. Rebuilding. Moving forward, creating, expanding, believing in yourself, and believing in your wildest dreams. Because they are possible. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that too, but they are possible.

I hope this was helpful and inspiring. If you want to talk, I’d love to chat with you about how I can support you on this journey. I’ll be your Sherpa. I know what it’s like to not have a Sherpa, and I want you to have a Sherpa. So, if this resonates with you, I’ve been through a lot of stuff and I’d really like to talk to you!

Just visit https://www.kortneyrivard.com/lets-talk

You can schedule a call with me or also feel free to email me at kortney@kortneyrivard.com.