Do you ever catch yourself trying to be like someone else, or hide the real you? Do you find yourself seeking approval in order to fit in?
Do you ever find yourself shifting your personality, putting on different “masks” in order to fit in or look like you have your shit together, depending on the people you’re with?
I have done this, and sometimes still do. The fact is, it’s hard not to.
I’m also wondering if you’ve caught yourself saying things like:
I will be happier when I lose 10 pounds.
I wish I had better skin. Then I’d feel more comfortable going out on dates.
Why can’t I have arms like Jennifer Aniston?
If only I had a better job or made more money. Then I’d be able to have a happy life.
I need to pretend I have my shit together in front of all the other PTA moms. If only I could be as organized and as “together” as them. Then I’d be a better mom. . . .
Oof. That’s so many conditions on feeling good about yourself!
Ok, so first of all, I want to tell you that you are not alone in having these feelings. There is stuff around us everywhere that tells us life would be better if only _________.
If only I was different, I’d be happier.
I hate to break it to you (or actually, I probably WANT to break this news to you!), but nobody has their shit together. Nobody has a perfect life. And I’d be willing to bet that everyone, at one time or another, has wished that they could be like someone else in some way.
Don’t you think it’s about time for us to stop wishing we were different? Don’t you think it’s about time we kicked ass in this world as the beautiful humans we were meant to be?
For years, I was in this headspace. I wanted to be thinner, prettier, be more organized, be less introverted, be louder and more fun to fit in with the “cool crowd”, yadda. yadda. yadda.
It took me years, and much struggle and heartache to realize that everything I need already exists inside of myself. Right here. I didn’t need to look anywhere else but RIGHT. HERE. My own heart holds all of the secrets to being happier.
All this time, after all of my searching, I’ve been the one I’ve been waiting for. I’ve just needed to come home to myself.
I’d really like you to be able to come home to yourself without going through all of the struggle that I went through. And if I can save you some heartache, I am here for YOU!
When I look back, there are six things that helped me learn who I really am. These practices helped me get to know myself so much deeper, and helped me accept and start to love the person I am meant to be.
Each of these actions require practice and gentleness with yourself as you start your journey to knowing that you are enough just as you are – right here, right now.
Talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love
This actually has two parts to it. And I get it – if you’re used to trashing yourself, whether it’s your body, or your personality or your performance, it can be hard to reverse that behavior.
It all starts with noticing when you’re doing it. Notice when you start to say mean things to yourself. It’s helpful to write them down at first.
Then, as you get more comfortable with this practice, ask yourself – would I talk to my child, best friend or other loved one this way?
I tend to be really hard on my body when I’m not mindful of my narrative. As someone in recovery from an eating disorder, it is imperative that I watch what I say about my body and handle food in front of my daughter. When I catch myself verbally abusing my body, l remind myself that I would NEVER talk to my daughter that way. I can then reframe my words to be more positive toward myself.
This doesn’t mean you are always going to feel positive toward yourself when you rephrase your words. But, noticing your harsh words toward yourself, asking yourself if it’s how you would treat someone you love, and then rephrasing – it’s a practice that will (I promise) eventually lead to better feelings about yourself.
Write down three things you like about yourself every single day
Research has shown that the more you focus on positive traits – things you like about yourself – the easier it is to generally be positive toward yourself. In other words, positivity begets more positivity.
By practicing this, you will gradually shift your mindset to focus on the things you are happy about, which will funnel into looking for the positive in the traits you haven’t felt positive about.
It’s also important to note that just because you accept and love yourself just as you are doesn’t mean that it’s not ok to want to grow and improve as a person. We are all constantly learning and growing and improving our lives. It’s part of life – we learn lessons and put them into action. Our lives change and evolve, as do we, every day.
Write down three things you are grateful for every single day
Piggybacking on writing down things you like about yourself is writing down what you are grateful for in general (and can include things about yourself, too!).
Again, this is a practice of shifting your mindset toward the positive things in your life, and it will also help you in coming up with things you like about yourself.
When I was really struggling, my Mom sent me a gratitude journal with space to write down three things I was grateful for every day. At the time, I sort of rolled my eyes and thought this is so dumb…I know I have a lot I SHOULD be thankful for, but what’s it going to solve writing things down?
Some days I struggled to come up with two things, let alone three. It seemed like such a simple thing to do – how was something so simple going to make a difference?
Well, I’m glad my mom planted that gratitude journal firmly in my hands, because I kept at it. I didn’t do it every day, and there were times I didn’t write in it for months. But I would come back to it, and eventually, it became a habit.
(If you want to try it, check out the 5-Minute Journal app. I love this one!)
It’s funny, because I used to be a very pessimistic person. My mind would automatically revert to a negative mindset. I think about how negative I used to be and it seems impossible that I could have shifted that into the overall positive mindset I have today.
I promise, you can do it too.
This isn’t something that will happen overnight, but if you keep at it, you’ll be on your way to seeing a huge difference!
Take care of yourself
When you treat yourself like a valuable human being that needs to be nurtured and cared for, you will start to feel differently about yourself.
You are like a plant that needs soil full of nutrients and regular watering to grow strong roots and healthy foliage so you can bloom into a beautiful flower. It’s kind of cliché, but I really do like to think about it that way.
Sometimes we tend to feel guilty for spending too much time taking care of ourselves. If you feel that way, it can really be worth digging into why. Finding some of those answers can also help you grow in terms of self care and self love. (By the way, I’d be happy to help you with that in a free mini session… you can schedule one HERE).
Think (and live) on purpose
Yes, you can.
Your thinking, and your life, don’t need to just happen to you. You actually have the ability to think your thoughts and live your life on purpose.
Whoa. I know it’s a novel concept, but stay with me.
When something happens to you – let’s call it a circumstance, or a fact, you have thoughts about it. Without these thoughts, your circumstance is neither good nor bad, it just is. Without any thoughts about it, there is no reason to attach to the facts because there is nothing to do with them. They are just there.
But, as humans, we think a lot of thoughts, right? It can be exhausting sometimes! Once we think something about the facts, they start to take on meaning.
Our thoughts lead emotions about the thought and this is where things get hairy. We file them away as “good” or “bad”. We form opinions about the facts.
Here’s an example:
Facts: I skipped my workouts 5 days in a row
Thought: I’m going to gain weight
Emotions: fear, anxiety, disapproval toward my body
So, what if I skipped my workouts because I’ve been sick, or my muscles hurt, or I have a knee injury? Or maybe I’ve just been too busy?
Here’s where thinking on purpose comes into play. We can think a different thought:
Facts: I skipped my workouts 5 days in a row
Thought: Well, my knee has really been bugging me and I’ve been busier than usual. Next week I’ll get back on track and do a different type of workout that will be easier on my knee
Emotions: Neutrality, Calm, … you move on to next week.
See the difference?
Also, your emotions lead to your actions – so if you are feeling full of fear, anxiety and disapproval, you are more likely to fall back into negative mindset toward yourself. If you’re feeling neutral, like “no big deal”, or calm, you’re more likely to be kind to yourself. In fact, that in and of itself, is self-love!
Just Be Yourself
Truly.
It can be difficult because it takes some awareness to realize when you are shifting into the mode where you’re just trying to fit in or gain approval or validation. But start working on noticing those things.
It’s incredibly eye-opening.
It’s also helpful to start exploring what you’re all about – get to know who you really are, underneath all of the layers of armor you’ve put on over the years of trying to fit in and gain approval.
If you’re looking for a bit of clarity, check out the free journal prompts I offer to get you started.
Practicing self-care, self-love and authenticity will help you live a happier life, and we all want that! If you’re looking for some more ideas to help get you there, I am teaching a FREE masterclass on Thursday, May 21 at 7pm Eastern Time.
It is chock-full of some really great information on how working on being yourself will make you happier. If you can’t make the class live, you can still sign up and catch the replay! (psst… if you attend live though, you get an awesome free workbook!).
You are the one you’ve been waiting for all this time
There is no need to look outside of yourself for happiness and approval.
You are an amazing human being, and coming home to yourself is such a gift. You have everything you need – intelligence, beauty, wisdom, grace, empathy, kindness and an inner knowing – inside of the amazing container you’ve been given for your short time on this earth.
It is my wish for you that you can turn inward and access your knowing. Your knowing will bring you home to yourself. After all, you are the one you’ve been waiting for.
What a beautiful reunion it will be!
