I’ve had a serious case of writer’s block this week. I had different ideas of what to write, but I’ve really struggled. And the only thing I can figure is that I was trying to write about the wrong thing.
What is really speaking to me today is the topic of grief during the pandemic. The topic came to me because so many of us are experiencing deep grief right now. Our grief comes in different forms, but the fact is, we are all grieving something right now.
Merriam Webster’s definition of grief is: deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.
The definition feels lacking to me because it doesn’t seem to encompass the grief we can feel on a daily basis, just from letting things go. Death of a living thing and tragedy are the pinnacle of grief, but we can grieve smaller things, too.
Right now, we are grieving the loss of a way of life that we have grown accustomed to. We’re grieving the loss of in-person human connection and the simple things in life, like being able to go to a movie or eat at our favorite restaurant. We might be grieving that our kids aren’t allowed to play on the playground equipment at the park. We may be grieving the illness, or even death, of a loved one.
As a collective, we are really dealing with a lot of stuff right now.
Some may say, but c’mon… first world problems. Some may say it’s selfish to be grieving the loss of going to eat at our favorite restaurant. It’s true, this is a convenience in our lives, and yes, there are bigger problems in the world. But that still does not discount the fact that we are having to let go of that way of life, for now. And yes, at a certain point, things will return to some semblance of normal, and we will have many of the things we are grieving now returned to us.
So is it selfish to grieve the loss of a way of life that includes so many frivolous conveniences?
I don’t think so, and here’s why:
We’re allowed to feel sad about things, and it’s important to honor our feelings regardless of if what we’re grieving seems trivial to others. We are still going through a letting go process. A death, of sorts.
In my world, right now I am struggling with the loss of my routine. I feel like I’m in no-mans land, and I feel like I’m living the movie Groundhog Day. Every day seems the same to me, and I am someone who craves variety. I am someone who goes crazy if I am stuck in my house all day. So right now, I am ecstatic to have to go to the grocery store. I’m out of toilet paper? I look forward to the quest of having to drive to every store within a 50-mile radius looking for it (okay, I may be exaggerating a bit!).
I’m grieving for my boyfriend, who isn’t able to spend time with his family because his dad and grandmother are in a health situation that, if they were to contract the virus, would be in some serious trouble. I’m grieving for my son in his senior year of high school. So many of the “lasts” of high school have been cancelled, and at this point, even a graduation ceremony is in jeopardy. I am also grieving that for me. As a mom, that graduation ceremony is probably more for me than it is for him – at least that’s what he says.
I’m grieving for my Grandma, who lost the love of her life, my Grandpa, in December. She is in assisted living on lockdown, only getting to see her loved ones through the window.
As a society, we are grieving deaths. We are grieving for our friends that have lost their jobs and are struggling with how to pay their bills. We are grieving the downturn in the economy and, while virtual happy hours have become a novel thing, the loss of in-person human interaction.
A lot is weighing on our minds right now.
Stress levels are high. It is easy to worry.
I was listening to Brene Brown’s new podcast Unlocking Us the other day. Her first episode, titled FFTs, or Fucking First Times, was awesome. She talked about how this pandemic is a FFT for her. I think it’s a FFT for all of us. FFT just means that is the first time we’ve done something or been through something. And you know, how it’s ok for it to suck the first time.
In her episode, she identified a few ways to deal with a FFT, and the first one is to recognize that you are going through something for the first time and it’s probably going to suck. Then, name your feelings about it. I had never really thought about this before, and I decided to do it. In naming my feelings about the pandemic, I felt like I had taken a weight off my chest. It was like, in an instant, I felt a little bit less stress. I felt the pressure lessen immediately. I had taken my power back over my feelings because I just let them be there. I honored them. I also gave myself the permission for it to feel hard.
Naming our feelings is important. Feelings are meant to be felt. Feelings aren’t for shoving down or pretending they don’t exist. It’s ok to feel feelings and it’s ok to feel all of them. Deeply. So with grief – whether you are grieving the illness or even death, of a loved one, or you are grieving the loss of a way of life, it is ok to feel those feelings. You are not selfish to feel them.
So go ahead. Feel all the feels right now. And always.
I would really love to hear how you’re handling the pandemic. What are you grieving? What are you celebrating?
Please comment below, on social media or send me an email (I will always respond personally).
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