The answer is yes. You’re exactly where you need to be. Right here, right now.
This is a truth that I am incredibly passionate about. And I typically get a lot of pushback with that statement. We have ideas about what we should accomplish in life – ideas about what we should look like, how much we should weigh, what we should be doing with our lives, how much money we should make, how many kids we should have, what type of house we should live in or the circle of friends we should have .
- I should really own a home by now. I’m in my 40s and everyone else my age does.
- My friends all have kids and I’m still not even married.
- I thought I’d be farther ahead in my career by now. I should be making more money.
- I’m not as smart as Sally Sue. She’s a doctor and I’m struggling just to get my business up and running.
- I should have more money saved right now. Compared to my other friends, I have nothing.
- Why am I having such a hard time losing weight? This is too hard.
- I don’t seem to fit in with the other moms. I should act differently so I fit in.
- My life sucks. I didn’t want a divorce. Now I am forced to rebuild my life, including my career. And I’m almost 50. The best years of my life are over.
So many shoulds. It’s so easy to have resistance to our circumstances. Resistance to being authentic.
If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. There are lots of times over the years I resisted my circumstances.
Let’s consider though, that the circumstances that you find yourself in are where you need to be at that moment.
If you’re throwing things at your computer screen or mobile device right about now, it’s ok. I expected that… and I’m ducking (I have super-quick reflexes!)
How can shitty circumstances put you in a place where you need to be?
I’m going to use one of my own life experiences to illustrate.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that my ex-husband is gay. About 5 years ago, I found out that truth, and I truly felt like any shred of a foundation that I was standing on crumbled beneath me in an instant. I was 41 years old. I had 2 kids. I had essentially been a stay-at-home mom for 14 years after leaving my job as an aerospace engineer.
After having a life that was “perfect” on the outside, living in a comfortable home, with a comfortable financial situation, all of a sudden, I was forced to completely re-invent my life. I had focused on my kids and my family for so long, and now I was going to have to give that up so I could support myself. Life as I knew it disappeared in an instant. I had no idea who I even was anymore.
I didn’t handle it gracefully. I was, in fact, a hot, hot mess, y’all. I suffered from severe depression and anxiety. I had no clue how to regain that solid footing I once had. I cursed my life and was angry at God for putting me in that situation. I won’t get into the nitty gritty details of the dynamics between my ex and I, because I have long since forgiven and moved past that, but let’s just say that wasn’t pretty either.
I couldn’t see why I was in the place I was. It was so dark, and there was no light to be seen – anywhere.
I have always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. It is difficult to see that when you are in the midst of a dark time, but once you turn a bend in the road that shows you some nicer scenery, it is easier to make sense of it. So now, 5 years later, I can see that I needed to be in that place to grow. I had potential in me that was locked away and I was supposed to find it – and use it. The experience was a “lane changer” to force me to find that potential.
Here are some ways that I grew during that time:
You Will Find Yourself
I had lost myself in the roles of mother and wife, and I depended on my husband to provide for me. I had an identity crisis between being a stay-at-home mom and a smart woman who had an engineering degree. I didn’t believe in myself like I once had. Through this experience, and being in that dark place, it pushed me to find that again.
Difficult Emotions Will Arise. Learn to Sit With Them
I learned that it’s ok to experience negative emotions. I had never really learned to deal with them in a healthy way, and through this experience, I learned that emotions are like waves. They come and go. I learned how to lean in and sit with discomfort until the uncomfortable feeling passed.
Regulating Emotions is a Skill
Regulating your emotions and tolerating distress are skills and they can be developed and strengthened. At the beginning of the divorce process, I would crumble from emotional distress. I learned to lean in, breathe, to keep my head held high and take the next right step. I learned how to be in the moment instead of being emotionally reactive.
You Don’t Have To Have it All Figured Out
I learned that I don’t have to have everything figured out in order to take the first step toward something. As a former engineer, I have a very analytical mind and like to plan (spreadsheets, anyone?). Not having everything figured out was a huge control issue for me. Through my experiences, I learned to not look so far ahead. All I have to know is the next right step.
Trust Your Process and Know That it Will Change As You Grow
I also learned that I have a process for navigating things (see last week’s post on trusting your process) and sometimes it’s messy, but that’s ok. It’s how I roll. But I also learned that my process is ever evolving. I learned to give myself grace to navigate things in an imperfect way. I learned to accept imperfection.
I feel like all of those things are kind of beautiful.
The things I learned from being in that place prepared me for some difficult times that have happened since. I would have never handled my recent challenges with as much strength and grace as I did if I hadn’t gone through the trauma and pain of my divorce. I mean, I survived something pretty awful and if I made it through that, I can make it through anything.
That’s my story, but I bet if you look just a little bit, you can see something like that in your own story.
You may be thinking, but I don’t want to be in this place. How is it even possible I am supposed to be here?
Let me clarify. You are exactly where you need to be in this moment. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next year. This moment is teaching you something and challenging you to grow.
Tomorrow might be different. You might be in a different place tomorrow, next week or next year. We are always changing and growing, and you are gaining experience and strength in this moment that will help you get to the next level. Nothing is static.
It’s kind of like when a seed is planted. The seed needs soil with nutrients, and it needs water and sunlight. It struggles for a while before it breaks through the earth in the form of a fresh, green shoot.
You are like a seed, my friend. If you are struggling right now, you are growing. You are gaining what you need – the nutrients, water, sunlight – to push through the earth and bloom into who you’re meant to be.
Buying into this concept doesn’t mean that you’ll get complacent about your life and accept that your shitty circumstances won’t change. The point is that the place you are in life is serving you somehow. If you’re in a dark place, you are going to grow. If you’re in a happy place, you are utilizing the tools you acquired in your dark place. You’re still going to move through the place you are at in your life, but the circumstances are there to serve you somehow.
Trust it. Roll with it.
See what you can learn from where you are now. There is always something.
If you feel a little stuck in the place you are, you’re not alone! I love to journal – it helps so much with clarity. I’ve got a little goodie to get you started. Click the image below, or go HERE to download some free journal prompts!
