Do you trust yourself? Sometimes trusting yourself and the process you have for different things is really difficult to do. It’s easy to get bogged down listening to what our inner critic has to say, and fear gets in the way. So let me ask you this: how would it feel to trust in yourself fully?
How would it feel to trust yourself to make decisions? How would it feel to trust yourself to always do the right thing?How about trusting that the way things unfold for you is the way they are supposed to unfold?
Some words that come to mind are freeing, peaceful, perhaps even joyful.
We all have our own way of doing things. From the way we interact with people to how we handle problems, our processes are as unique as our facial features or our fingerprints. Yet, when we make a mistake, of don’t feel something coming easy to us, we have a tendency to assume that we’ve done it wrong, made a bad decision, or failed.
Trusting Yourself is a Skill
Yes, you heard me right, it’s a skill. That’s great news, because the skill of trusting yourself can be developed, just like you’d build muscle by lifting weights.
Trusting yourself involves making an effort to be present and access your intuition. It involves being able to recover from mistakes, knowing that mistakes are just part of the process. It’s when we think we can’t recover from “mistakes” that causes us to think we can’t trust ourselves. Practicing makes trusting easier over time.
Trusting Yourself and Your Process
When I was going through my coaching certification program, we talked a lot about trusting ourselves. I learned a lot about myself and the process that I have for various things I do in my life. It turned out, in a lot of cases, I was getting in my own way, and not letting my process play out. I was blocking trust early in the process when I assumed that I had already made a mistake, or failed.
I’ve never thought of myself as a good writer, for example. I mean, I’m a good enough writer, but it’s not something I think I excel at. My process when I write is to have a topic in mind, research the hell out of it, start over about 300 times, all the while thinking what I’m writing sucks, until something clicks. Then, I start all over and then in the course of like 15 minutes, I bang out a blog post.
When I didn’t trust my writing process, I didn’t give it a chance to play out. The I’m-not-good-enough perfectionist narrative would start playing through my head and I would start being a total asshole to myself about what a shitty writer I am before I even finished 3 paragraphs. Taking some time to notice that this is how writing works for me (every. single. time) let’s me just sit with it. I humor myself and let myself lean into the process without going into perfectionist mode and beating myself up for not writing with the ease of a New York Times best-selling author. (although, I doubt even those people have it easy when it comes to writing)
Trusting Yourself to Make Decisions – That’s a Process Too
I can generally make decisions pretty well, but the bigger a decision is, the more I analyze the pros and cons. I consider this a good thing, but it does come in the form of “hemming and hawing” and really questioning whether it’s the right thing or not. It can seem like I am being extremely indecisive. Thinking about the “what ifs”. Worrying about the financial investment and opinions of others. You know, fleshing it out from all sides.
My process is to kind of know what I want and know what I feel the right thing to do is, but it’s almost like I feel like I will be given this sign from God in the form of lightning bolts and angels singing if it’s the right choice. It never happens that way, of course, and it drives me crazy, you guys.
It’s like my writing. Suddenly, it just all feels right and I’m good to go. Decision made.
So, instead of getting frustrated with myself during the “hemming and hawing” phase, I know I just need to let things ride and it will come to me. I trust that it will.
In the summer of 2018, I hired a coach to help me figure out what the heck I wanted to do with my life. I was stuck. I was selling craft beer for a local brewery, getting paid a laughable amount of money on commission only. The fact that I was getting alimony and child support from my divorce was the only reason my kids and I weren’t living in a cardboard box eating ramen directly out of the package. I knew that I needed to start figuring out what I was actually going to “do when I grew up”, so I hired a coach to help me. It was a big investment, but I was really stuck. I was doing some photography, but I just wasn’t passionate about the frustration and work to make that a full time career. (In case you haven’t noticed, there are approximately 50 trillion photographers out there, and 90% of them are barely charging enough to make it through the week putting a single can of Dinty Moore stew on the table for their family). Anyway, I digress. After a bunch of sessions with my coach, I started to think that coaching might be my calling. So, I started to look into certification programs.
To make a long story a little shorter, I was ready to sign up for a program, but there were two I was considering. I had personal recommendations for the more expensive program, but the less expensive one resonated with me more. I did my hemming and hawing. I waited for the lightning bolts and angels singing. I agonized and scrutinized hoping the answer would come to me.
After all that, I hopped on a call with my coach to see if she could help me arrive at a decision, and funny… she said something to me that has really stuck. She said “I think you know what is right for you – you’re just afraid to go with it”.
You’re just afraid to go with it.
At that moment, all the work we had been doing together around the premise that I really do have all of the answers inside of me gelled. It was true. I knew the right thing to do. I just have this process of having to be a crazy person before actually realizing what that is. (Thank you Brooke, for all of the a-ha moments you led me to. Your coaching skills are pure magic!)
Trusting Yourself Even When You’ve Made a “Mistake“
What happens when you step out of your comfort zone and trust yourself and your process, but you make a “mistake”?
Um, I have news for you – you are going to make mistakes. But friends, have you considered that the mistake is part of your process? And that begs the question – are your “mistakes” really mistakes?
No one ever said the process was going to be smooth all of the time. The “mistake” could just be the thing that puts you on the right track. You might need to make mistakes to bring you closer to where you are supposed to be. Remember what I said earlier – trusting yourself is a skill that involves finding the presence to tap into your intuition and also to recover from “mistakes”. You’ve got to be able to sit with what you feel is a mistake. Ride it out. I don’t think there really are mistakes, per se. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and what you think is a huge mistake is just part of bringing you closer to where you are meant to be.
Feels better to think of mistakes that way, doesn’t it?
So how can you practice trust with yourself and your process?
Trust Yourself to Be a Human.
You’re human. It’s super normal for things to not go smoothly, but that doesn’t equal failure. Each step gets you closer to where you’re supposed to be. Think of your mistakes as opportunities to learn to get you to the next level.
Tap Into Your Intuition
There are some people who have a really easy time listening to their intuition. It’s not something that comes naturally to most people though. Why is that?
I think it’s because listening to your intuition takes an incredible amount of awareness. It takes being present and staying in the moment. It also makes it hard to trust your intuition when you feel like you’ve made mistakes before. When you don’t trust that your mistakes are just part of the process, it makes it really hard to accumulate evidence that supports your intuition being right.
This bring us back to my last point – trust yourself to be a human. Your intuition doesn’t lead you down a wrong path. Every step is meaningful. Let go of perfection and start to listen.
Trust that the Outcome is the Right One For You, Right Now.
I happen to have an incredible amount of trust in outcomes. I wasn’t always this way. Trusting in outcomes is not something that I have always been able to do.
Not even remotely.
Part of my ability to trust how things turn out is the journey I’ve been on. I’ve written about pieces of it before and I won’t go too deep into it here, but I have traveled a pretty bumpy road. I’ve learned that the bumpy road eventually smooths out, no matter what circumstances I experience. It can get bumpy again after it smooths out, but it ebbs and flows. I’ve learned to be patient in that way and just do my best, because prettier scenery is always around the bend.
The other part of my ability to trust in the outcome is something my mom always said (and still does!). Her advice took a few forms: What’s meant to be, will be. Everything happens for a reason…and it just wasn’t meant to be (when things didn’t work out my way).
I absolutely hated when she would say this to me when things didn’t go my way. But back then, I didn’t trust my process. I didn’t trust the outcome, so I wanted to control it. So, of course, the letting go that is required to really believe it just wasn’t meant to be, was a little beyond me at the time.
I promise you the trusting muscle can be strengthened friends, but you have to start to believe.
Trusting Yourself vs. Controlling the Outcome
Trusting yourself and controlling the outcome are two entirely different things. You have to let go of control to trust yourself, your process and your intuition. You have to know that you’re not always going to get to decide how the chips fall. And part of trusting yourself is trusting the bigger picture.
I really believe in all of this stuff, you guys. I really do. But, I have had people look at me crosseyed and tell me that things do not happen for a reason, and life is cruel and there is no such thing as a God’s plan (or whatever higher power you believe in). If you’re one of those people, this post might just sound like a bunch of B.S. to you, and that’s ok. I am not here to dispute any of this, but it’s what I believe with all of my heart.
Becoming aware of my processes for things has been a game-changer for me and my ability to let stuff go. I work with my clients all the time on learning what their processes are, and identifying the gap between how they currently deal with them and how they’d ideally like to deal with them. When you start to close that gap, you can step into a way of being that lets you live a life where trust is central. When you learn to trust the unfolding of things, you can live your life as a person that can let go and roll with it, enjoying the journey along the way, knowing that the scenery changes at every bend.
Want to learn more? I would honestly LOVE to chat with you further about this! Click the link below to schedule a free coaching session with me. This is a free coaching call – no cost to you and no obligation!
Hi guys, I’m Kortney. I’m a life coach that helps women that want more out of their lives figure out what they want and find the confidence and courage to go after it. I absolutely love empowering women to live the life they’ve always dreamed of – regardless of how many years have already passed.
Do you feel a little stuck? Like there has to be more to your life? Maybe you feel like your best years are behind you and it’s too late to go after your big, audacious dreams?
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