I have some words of wisdom for my 30-something, perfectionist self.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve chilled a LOT. The person that used to be a tightly-wound perfectionist that didn’t have a lot of confidence or belief in herself has changed into the person I am today… Today, I’d say I’m a recovering perfectionist that strives for “good-enoughness”. I am proud of myself for my perseverance through some pretty tough times and for what I have accomplished throughout my life, even though that looks different than I thought it would. I’m also proud of myself for learning to embrace my imperfections and I know that I am enough with what I bring to the table authentically every single day.
There are a lot of things I wish I had known when I was younger, and if I had the opportunity to have a chat with my 30-something self, I’d sit her down and go over a few key things.
First, Being Perfect Isn’t Possible.
If I knew my 30-something self, I would tell her that it’s really stupid to worry about having all of your shit together, becuase literally no one does. Literally zero humans on the planet have all of it together all of the time. Needing to be the best at everything, or needing to look perfect all the time is a major waste of energy. Because a) it doesn’t matter and b) it’s just not possible.
Save yourself some stress and self-hatred and be proud of what you do. Everyone does some things well and some things not so well. It’s ok. That’s life. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Embrace them. Be thankful for the strengths and work on your weaknesses if you like, but without judgment. But never, ever beat yourself up for your weaknesses!
It’s OK to Fail, Everyone Does
One of my favorite entrepreneur heroes, Marie Forleo said “Falling down isn’t forever, unless you stay on the ground.”
Amen, sista.
Failing is sometimes a good thing. There is much to be learned from failure. You can incorporate the lessons from your failures into your next try. And you might fail again. But it’s ok, as long as you get up. Some of the most successful people on the planet have failed more times than you can fathom.
When asked about the many thousands of failures he had when trying to create the light bulb, Thomas Edison famously said “I have not failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work”. As a child, he was thought to be dumb and told he would never be a success. But, he wasn’t afraid to make mistakes before he succeeded. That seemed to work pretty well for him – Look at his place in history! Thomas Edison once said “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
SO good, right?
Michael Jordan, who is arguably one of the greatest basketball players of all time was cut from his high school team. He persevered and went on to play in college for the UNC Tarheels and then on to the NBA for the Chicago Bulls. His success did not come without failure though. He says “I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game-winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
One more – Oprah Winfrey was publicly fired from her first job as a TV news anchor. The show’s executives said she was too “emotionally invested” in the stories she reported on. Today, Oprah has a net worth of about $3 billion and is considered to be one of the world’s most influential women.
I try to remember these types of stories when I am getting frustrated about life – both personally and professionally. I am passionate about building my business, and it can be frustrating sometimes as it is so much work, and it isn’t easy. I fail sometimes. But I also persevere. I keep on going because I know that as long as I get up, I can keep trying. I believe in my work so much, and that is more than worth it.
Self-Worth is not determined by how good you are at something
This is probably the one thing I would really hammer into my younger self if I could. No matter what, my self-worth is not dependent on me being the best at something, or even good at something.
As I said above, we all have our strengths, we all have our weaknesses. Some of us struggle with things that come really easy to others. As a recovering perfectionist, I know what it feels like to peg your self-worth on your performance at everything. After a lot of self-help books, therapy and really tough times, I learned, albeit slowly, that I am good enough, even if I am imperfect. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of success. I am worthy of close relationships. I am worthy, period.
So yeah, if I could travel back in time and give my old perfectionist self some words of wisdom, I would start here – with these three things. And now that I have a kids of my own, I will make it a priority to teach them these things, too.
I want my son to feel good about himself because he tried his hardest, whether he gets an A or a D. And if it’s a D, I don’t ever want him to feel like he’s not good enough. I want him to know it’s ok to fail because you can always get up and try again.
I want my daughter to look at herself in the mirror and maybe tuck her stray hairs behind her ears, fix her makeup (when she’s old enough for that!) or double-check that she’s wearing matching socks…without even the hint of a thought that she isn’t skinny enough or pretty enough.
I want my kids to know that they can accomplish anything they want, but I also want them to know that it might not be easy. I want my kids to know that nothing worth doing in life is easy, and just because it isn’t easy, doesn’t mean they are less than enough.
My kids are MORE than enough. I am MORE than enough. And you are MORE than enough.
Go get ‘em. You got this.
