Before I was really into personal growth and self-development, if someone had asked me if I was connected to myself, I would have looked at them sideways.

Huh?

But now, I get it.  

There was a point in my life where I felt like I had to do everything.  And I also felt like I had to do everything perfectly and better than everyone else.  Anything less was a failure.

When I was at the end of my junior year of college, I had a very full plate.  I was battling an eating disorder, in the middle of finals, completing a group aerospace design course, preparing to give a presentation on the aerodynamics of our design at Marshall Space Flight Center in Hunstville, Alabama, preparing to move to Seattle for the summer, and preparing to take my private pilot exam.

I was spread way too thin.

During oral exam prep with my flight instructor, I cracked.  I was stumbling to answer a series of questions and I completely broke down.  My instructor said something along the lines of Kortney, do you see what you’re doing to yourself?  You can’t do all of this.  You need to stop and take a break.

I pulled myself up by my bootstraps.  No way I was going to put off taking my test until summer’s end when was to return from Seattle. I got everything done, and I probably did a good job at all of those things, but I was a mess inside.  I was everywhere BUT with myself.

This way of being was not unique to me.  I was like that for a great deal of my life, and there were a lot of consequences that came with that type of behavior.  

I didn’t realize it then, but I learned that day with my flight instructor how important it is to stay connected to the person you are in order to be happy and content.

But what does it actually mean to be self-connected?

To be connected to yourself means that you can get in touch with who you are and what’s important to you.  You know what you believe and what you stand for.  You’re able to get in touch with your body – feel your breath, feel your feelings, and identify them.  You can be intentional with your actions and be aware of what is happening in each moment.  You can make conscious choices that are in alignment with you you are and accept the person you know yourself to be.

What happens when we are not connected to ourselves? Our lives aren’t as full and happy. Read on to learn some of the other consequences to being disconnected from yourself.

You don’t allow yourself to feel your feelings.

When you are connected to yourself, you have awareness of what you’re feeling.  You can also accept these feelings and sit with them, knowing that they will subside.

In contrast, when you are disconnected, you are busy avoiding “bad” feelings.  Your tendency might be to numb them with alcohol, food, drugs, shopping, with perfectionism or staying overly busy.

Why is this undesirable?

By not allowing yourself to actually feel feelings of sadness and pain, you are also blocking your ability to avoid joy and happiness.  You can’t selectively numb feelings!  Without knowing what pain and sadness feel like, you’ll never really experience true joy and happiness.

Trying to fight your feelings also leads to more struggle. Using negative behaviors to numb feelings is like putting a Band-Aid on a big wound. The Band-Aid might help you feel better temporarily, but it doesn’t fix the underlying problem.  When the Band-Aid comes off, you’re still faced with those feelings.

You don’t really know yourself.

One of the keys to living a full, happy life is to live an authentic life.

You can’t really know what you want or how to be happy if you don’t know who you are.  And if you don’t know who you are, you certainly can’t connect!

By reconnecting with who you are at your core, as well as your core beliefs and values, you’re able to have a vision for your life, and as as result, you’ll feel more peace and contentment.  When you know who you are and what you want, you will have an easier time being present with yourself and tapping into all of the amazing gifts you have to offer.  You’ll also be able to rely on your intuition more.

You look for happiness outside of yourself.

When you’re so busy trying to avoid your feelings and the things you deem as “bad” in your life, you’ll be on an endless search for happiness outside of yourself.  

Buying a new house, going on vacations to get a break and relax, a new car, fancy parties, designer handbags, a new pair of shoes… you try them all, but nothing really seems to change anything.

When you connect with yourself and get to know who you are and what you’re all about, you’ll figure out that happiness exists right where it always did – inside of yourself.  You really never needed to look any further – just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz!

Your thoughts control you.

When you are busy trying to stay outside of yourself – avoiding all of the negative feelings, you don’t have the awareness to notice the thoughts that are sabotaging you.

Connection to yourself allows you to be aware of your feelings and thoughts and it allows you to take steps to work through them, or just sit with them and let them run their course.

When you aren’t aware, you’re much more likely to judge a thought and attach to it, following it down the rabbit hole into a spiral that results in self-judgment and more negative feelings.

You can’t truly connect with others.

When you don’t connect with yourself, you aren’t being authentic, which means you are likely acting like the person you think you should be in different situations.

When my kids were younger I felt I needed to be a certain way to be a “good mom”.  You know, have the fancy birthday parties, do all the volunteering, do mom things.  When I didn’t feel like I had my shit together, I would beat myself up for not being as “with it” as the other moms.

Thank goodness I figured out that even those moms who I thought had it all together had flaws too! Once I connected with who I really am and learned to accept that and be ok with screwing up sometimes, I connected with other people in a way that I never had before.

I’m a firm believer that by sharing our stories and our authentic selves – the good, the bad, and the ugly – our vulnerability gives permission to others to do the same.  We make others feel more comfortable sharing their real stories because they see that someone else has flaws too.

Think of how much better the world would be if everyone could just leave their egos at the door and be authentic.

Being self-connected opens doors to a much richer life.  Check in with yourself several times each day and see if you can become aware of what you’re thinking and feeling (journaling is a great way to keep a record so you can identify patterns).  Finding some time to spend in silence to be present and focus on your breath is a great way to jump off the merry-go-round for a while and tune in. Do more of what makes you happy, and don’t forget to smile!

When you are able to really know who you are, feel your feelings, connect with others, control your thoughts, and find happiness within, you’ll feel capable of getting through anything life throws your way.