Are you holding a grudge?
Were you wronged by someone and are obsessed with getting them back, or karma finding their way to them?
Let me tell you a real story.
5 years ago, I found some emails on my husband’s phone that were really confusing at first glance to me. After further investigation, I learned that he had been having an affair. With another man.
Now, you’d think that would be an instant divorce. It wasn’t. He wasn’t really sure if he was really gay or if he just had a moment. He was unhappy in the marriage and aside from the homosexual piece, I felt the marriage issues were fixable. And he begged me not to leave, so what was I supposed to do? I have 2 kids. If there was a possibility of straightening things out (seriously.. no pun intended), I needed to give it a shot.
Long story short, it didn’t pan out. My husband came to terms with the fact that he is gay and wanted a divorce. My world was turned upside down in a literal instant one night.
I suffered from severe depression and suicidal thoughts. I was hospitalized. I didn’t know what to do with my life. I was essentially a stay-at-home mom, and I had been out of my engineering career for about 14 years. I had no idea how I was going to re-create my life. It seemed hopeless and like SUCH an uphill climb. I didn’t believe in myself.
One would think that my husband would have made the split as easy as possible since the reason for our divorce was pretty clear. He no longer enjoyed women, and there really wasn’t much I could do about that. Instead, it was a huge battle. He blamed the split on our marital problems, not his homosexuality. He tried to control me, my access to money, my schedule with the kids – everything. It was so awful.
I hated him for ruining my life. Hated. I didn’t know how I would ever forgive him. I’m not an overly religious person, but I asked God what to do. I was so angry. I had so much tension and horrible energy in my body from hating him SO much. I needed to let it go.
I met with someone from my church and she gave me a couple of books on forgiveness. I read them and I waited for an answer to come. I learned that to forgive is a choice that needs to made every day. I tried to start that process.
It wasn’t easy. I tried to say the words, but I didn’t feel it. I couldn’t feel that I was forgiving him. It was really frustrating because I still had SO MUCH ANGER. It was tearing me apart inside. It was hindering me from living a life in alignment with who I authentically am.
When I started to really own that forgiving someone is not for the other person – it’s really for me, I almost grasped on to this concept as a form of radical self-care. I wanted to be ok. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be the best version of me. I wanted to be authentic and I wanted to live my life that way.
I can’t even tell you how it happened, because it was a long process. But I have forgiven my ex-husband. I don’t always like him, and I certainly don’t excuse the way he treated me, but I have freed myself from the shackles of that prison sentence. I feel free knowing that I have released that from my being and he has to live with it forever. I don’t know if he even cares, but I guess part of forgiveness is that I don’t care if he cares either.
I now look at that experience as the catalyst for a life that is aligned with who I really am on the inside. There was a lot of “unbecoming” I did in the last 5 years that brought me to this place in my life. I finally feel like I can live without having to be perfect. I can be proud of my accomplishments. I can be vulnerable and welcome close relationships. I can see the whole thing as a valuable experience that was a catalyst for huge growth.
Do you have a forgiveness story?
I want to hear about it. When we share our experiences like this, it gives others a sort of “permission” to take off their armor and share their authentic selves too.
I would love it if you would post in the comments, share on my facebook page, or send me an email at kortney@kortneyrivard.com
